Written by Brett Taylor
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Saturday, 15 November 2014

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We couldn't find a lord, but we found a Royal

Lorde's newest songs have been leaked ot the media. A secret snitch sent along a copy of the eighteen year-old New Zealander's latest songs. The source says "Little White Yugos" is likely to be at least a moderate success on the pop charts. "All the songs are rap songs," goes the first verse. "All about big cars/But my friends don't ride in Cadillacs/They drive little white Yugos/Little white Yugos/Yugos/Or they ride the bus." Sing along to the tune of "Royals" and you'll get the idea.

Another song likely to resonate with Lorde's fan base is "So Old." In the low key number Lorde tells her poigniant story: "I use to be seventeen once/But now I'm eighteen/I used to like parties and stuff/But now it's like whatever/I'm guess I'm like so old/So old/I'm eighteen now." As with "Little White Yugos," the song is hypnotically slow and almost boring, yet strangely catchy and hauntingly memorable.

But we think the most popular of the new songs will be "Like Whatever," in which the precocious singer takes aim at the current music scene: "Everybody's all about concerts/And they like to wave their hands in the air/Everyone says put your hands up/But I'm so like/Like, whatever."

Reception to the songs seems to be positive so far. Comments in the twitterverse are largely enthusiastic, as summarized by this comment from #nocats82: "It's about time we had a singer with lyrics that really mean SOMETHING. Her tears are deep and her life is REAL. Plus she's not fat like Adele."

Those close to Lorde say the singer got her articulate sense of wordplay from her mother, a poetess, while her rebellious attitude was shaped by reading "Catcher in the Rye" at age fourteen.

Asked what he thinks of Lorde, veteran decrepit rocker Keith Richards had this to say, or rather, mumble: "What's all this about a Lord then? Is that some sort of a return to the old English society? Here's Lord So and So, come up to the palace and have dinner with Baron So and So. Brian Jones knew quite a few lords back in the day, but they were all queer. In England we don't usually use the word queer, we call them poofs. Like, you're a magician or something, poof. But you Yanks know what I mean. Incidentally the heroin was very pure in those days. It isn't now."

We thought we'd get a little religious perspective on Lorde's music, so we talked to a minister from the First Mississippi Second Church of the Holy Assemblies of God of Christ, Reverend Brother Janus P. Wainwright III, who had this message for us: "Any attempt to understand these lyrics is fruit-less! It's worse that fruitless, it's use-less! There is only one Lord, and his name is Gee--Zuss! Let me hear it again! Geee-Zuss! These kids with the tattoos and the wild hair, they think they're worshippin' the Lord, well they're worshipping the wrong Lorde! Goin' straight to Hell is what they're doin'! Can I get an Amen? A-men! Incidentally, the book of Exodus has some interesting things to say on the subject of fruit, as does the Song of Solomon."

There seems to be some controversy surrounding the singer's name, which incidentally is spelled differently from plain old "lord." We were going to ask the singer where she got her name but she was too busy texting her friends. In any case, stay tuned for further pop music updates.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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