Written by Auntie Matter
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Sunday, 9 November 2014

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Olga from The Volga...Mrs Bond.

A new James Bond film is set to break all box office records. Called "Never Live Again Unless Once More Over The Eight" it sets out to give Bond a human face: Explained producer Erin Broccoli with his writer-director son Benjamin; "Well, we figured it was about time to make Bond more human... for our Japanese patrons mostly."

Set in Russia, the film shows Bond on his last assignment to bring back dead or alive Russian terrorist and friend of ISIS Gregory Carpark. In Moscow his contact is ravishing blond "Olga from the Volga" who proves to be the love of his life.

She however has never seen any action outside of a four-poster and so is appalled when she witnesses Bond slaying the aging Gregory in cold blood right in front of her. Very cold in fact as the scene is set in a McDonalds refrigerator.

Nevertheless, adoration has the final say. She absconds to America with her beloved and manages to get Bond to pack in his old job if he is to marry her. They settle down to run a rabbit farm in Montana until James starts having tantrums and irrational outbursts.

After many phone calls Olga finds what she is looking for. She takes Bond to see psychiatrist Dr. Robert Roberts who quickly diagnoses Bond as suffering from a severe memory impairment.

Over the following weeks and after many deep hypnosis sessions Dr. Roberts manages to bring our hero back into some sort of mens compos.

But it is not easy for James. He finds it difficult to remember in detail the 17,412 men, women and children he has slaughtered single handedly during his illustrious career. Olga however proves to be his saviour:In an English accent strongly reminiscent of Queen Elizabeth's she tells him;

"I know it's a big number darling.... but, I forgive you."

Bond is a new man.

It seems then that the way is clear for a happy life on the farm. But one gloomy October morning while James is knitting a pair of vases for the mantelpiece, MI6 unexpectedly pay him a visit in the shape of Rear Admiral Julian Offit head of British Foreign Intelligence and barman of the Crown and Mitre pub in Battersea.

"Just one last job, James,... is all we are asking."

"Sorry. I'm off it, Offit. I can't kill any more..."

"Not even for the Queen of England?"

"Especially not that bitch! She refused me a knighthood when I needed it most and did not come to my wedding. I have managed to forgive her... but it wasn't easy."

"I see... Well, what if I was to tell you Dr. Roberts is not a real doctor but a CIA mole who specialises in migrants who run rabbit farms? During his sessions with you he extracted very compromising information indeed that could embarrass us all."

"So this is a CIA job?"

"Yes?"

"What is it you want? I can let you have two rabbits for ten bucks."

"We want you to assassinate Henry Kissinger."

"What did he ever do to anybody?"

"That is not the point. He knows too much."

"Too Much? I thought he had quit Chinese Intelligence and runs a chip shop in Belfast."

"Not that Too,... James! Kissinger knows more than is good for him."

"Aaah.... but does he remember it?', asked James.

"We must make sure he doesn't."

"I see. And how do your propose to remove him?"

"He is going to Bohemian Grove next week to meet with some friends. They'll snort some coke, drink Champagne, run naked around the lawns, bugger each other, pretend they are gods among mortals, swear undying allegiance to Harry Potter... that sort of thing. That will be your chance...."

"I'm a married man Offit. How dare you!"

"That will be your chance to kill him."

"I forgot."

"You will topple the statue of the Owl they worship there on top of him. It weighs tons and will squash him like a Scarab beetle. Obama is fed up with it and wants an African totem pole to take its place. Tony Blair suggested it apparently so that his wife Cherie can dance around it when the moon is full. This way we kill two birds with one stone. It'll be sensational for the next movie as well."

Bond carries out his mission as in days of yore much to his wife's disappointment but happily Olga forgives him right at the end of the movie; and so everything is set up for the movie sequel called: "Owl be Seeing You, Once More, Yet Maybe Not Twice Again."

"It'll be a hoot," said Erin Broccoli.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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