Written by Chris Hanson
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Thursday, 7 December 2006

image for Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Pamela Anderson Wed Christ After He KOs Boxing Champ
Sonny J - Reigns victorious

RENO, NV, Dec. 25 - Jesus "Sonny" Christ capped his comeback drive in Reno yesterday with a ninth round knockout that sent reigning champ Stephen Hawking into a deep, possibly fatal coma.

Later, at the hospital, "Sonny J" spent a moment of silent communion with Hawking, then met reporters to voice mixed feelings at the outcome.

"I did not hit this man in Reno just to watch him die,"Jesus told reporters.

"Sonny J" and his great and good friend Paris Hilton then took a charter flight to St. George, Utah, where they were joined by Britney Spears, the Associated Press reported. The three drove to Zion's Fist, a settlement of renegade Mormons who practice bigamy and same-sex marriage.

At Zion's Fist, "Sonny J" married Hilton and Spears. Spears married Hilton. Lindsay Lohan served as ring bearer and best woman. Minutes later, Christ, Hilton, and Spears married Lohan, with Pamela Anderson serving as ring person and best woman. After a conference among the newlyweds, they each married Anderson, according to the wire service.

Sen. Joe Lieberman and singer Cliff Richard alternated as best man in these ceremonies.

Hawking had entered the ring a 3-2 favorite, his punches compared to lightning bolts.

But at round eight's opening bell, Christ unloaded a dizzying series of combinations against Hawking's face and mid section.

Round nine saw a desperate Hawking deliver a savage uppercut that stunned the challenger, then bite off Jesus' right ear and spit it upon the canvas. The sharp pain snapped the groggy contender awake and Christ swung a hay-maker that sent the ex-physicist flying from his wheel chair into the audience.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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