There's a lot of jive about the so-called grudge between Tupac and Biggie, but this storm in a teacup pales in comparison to the biggest, baddest rap grudge in history. Check it.
Kanye West recently had these well-meaning but uncomplimentary words for his fellow bad-ass mother******, L L Cool J:
"Ok, so they're saying I hate L L Cool J, that I think he's a pussy. That's real harsh, man! You know, I actually kinda respect this bitch, know what I'm sayin'?
"I mean, I'm not gonna lie to you… whenever you's wantin' to be grindin' up the dancefloor and have the bitches screamin' your name, there's only one goddamn motherf***** K-to-the-W that's gonna work it.
"Still, if you've had a hard day's work, you come home feeling really crap and tired, and you don't feel like some hard core bitchin' rappin' it up, I mean there's something else you can do.
"I mean, you can get a cup of tea like those English pussies, kick back, relax, smoke some tobacco or Colorado's finest...
"And last but not least, put on a bit of L L Cool J to chill out; at least until there's some decent shit on the radio."
"I mean, you'd get pretty bored doin' that all the time, no shit! But it's nice wallpaper music; ya know, like Vivaldi's recorder concerti or whatever."
LL Cool J is unimpressed
"You know, please don't think I'm arrogant, but I sort of think I am a kind of polite rapper…
"I don't swear or curse or inject heroin on stage; I don't slap my dancers, because I believe in treating women with respect...
"And I'm not homophobic, because I know that any one of us might wake up gay one day, and we might be treated kind of bad by nasty folks.
"But please let me say this, if it's ok. Please may I? Kanye West patronises me, and that makes me feel so terribly, terribly sad.
"He is so very, very unkind to me. It's so sad, and I feel unhappy.
"You know, I would never point a gun at Kanye's face and threaten him. That is not nice behaviour. But how, oh how I so very wish I could just speak to this nasty person and say:
"Kanye West, I think you are a very mean man! And you hurt my feelings so very much; you do, you do!
"My daddy has always told me we must always try to be so very kind to people, because one day, if we are not, other people might speak ill of us.
"Please, please do forgive me Kanye, but I kind of want to say, I think you are a nasty man, and you make me feel so very hurt and rejected.
"Yes, please, please be nicer to me. I think you are a nice person deep down. And I do not like people being nasty to me. Please try to be nicer, if you can. That's what my mommy has always said.
"You know, deep down, I think you are kind of ok, so please don't hurt me. Oh, it's just too much to bear… boo hoo!..
"Oh, do please forgive me for speaking ill of Kanye, I am sure he is not a bad person, but he has made me feel so very, very unhappy. Boo hoo hooo!"
I came back to Kanye with this hardcore fightin' talk. Kanye was not so impressed.
"You freakin' kiddin' me! That bitch sounds like some pre-adolescent schoolkid with terminal passive-aggressive syndrome. Is this what passes for rap feuds nowadays?
"Seriously, I don't even know why I bother. You know what, this bitch doesn't even deserve a freakin' smack. Pitiful little mother******!
"Still, whatever happens, cryers gonna cry."
Still not satisfied with my egregious shit-stirring, I told LL Cool J about Kanye's reconciliatory message.
I'm afraid Kanye was actually surprisingly prescient about "cryers gonna cry;" on this one, at least, sagely Rasta prophets like Snoop Lion had nothing on him. All I could hear was a "boo-hoo-hoo."
Well, forget Tupac/Biggie. There's a new grudge in town; and it will laugh at you, cry at you and vomit all over you in a manner beyond your worst nightmares. I mean, there is blood on the streets….
Actually not blood as such; just some low sugar, organic, gluten-free, fair trade beetroot juice that limply fell from the trembling palms of a sorrowful and tearful L L Cool J.
Still, this could be a harbinger of things to come; in the 21st century's most vicious, brutal, violent and deadly rap grudge of all.