Written by Ed E. Druckman
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Tuesday, 21 November 2006

image for Katie Holmes Denies Anal Bleaching. Tom Cruise Turns The Other Cheek.
A blank canvas...of sorts

(Los Angeles, CA) Courtney Cox, Lara Flynn Boyle and now Katie Holmes? Yesterday, Defamer.com posted a picture of a bleached anus, captioned: "Katie Holmes". The matter would have pooped out there if a Star reporter hadn't snapped a picture of Katie Holmes coming out of Pink Cheeks, a Sherman Oaks boutique that offers the service of making "your winkie as white as your smile." Now in the words of Holmes/Cruise publicist Arnold Robinson, "It's a sh*t storm."

Robinson went on to say, "to conclude, if it was in fact Ms. Holmes coming out of Pink Cheeks, that she bleached her winkie is absurd. May I remind you that Pink Cheeks also offers a range of services, like Brazilians, to which Ms. Holmes, being somewhat hirsute, may have wanted to avail herself." The owner of Pink Cheeks, Cindy Esser-Thorin, when interviewed by the Associate Press, would not confirm or deny Holmes' visit. "Sweetie," said Esser-Thorin, "I'm like a doctor, not a GP but a proctologist. I don't divulge my patients."

However, The Associate Press did track down a nurse who was present during the birth of Suri Cruise. The AP would not divulge her name, but the nurse said, "I won't say if it was black or white. But I will say that if this was Alabama in 1954 that ass would have no problem plunking itself down on a white's only toilet."

And the matter is threatening to transcend cosmetics. Activist Reverend Al Sharpton today released this statement, "We hear all of this talk out of Hollywood of racial equality. When it comes down to it, it's the white ass that's most prized not the black ass. Of course, we still have Halle Berry, but how long before she takes the bleach!" George Clooney also weighed in. "All the work we did to raise consciousness here about Darfur done in by Katie Holmes' winkie, it's very disturbing, not to mention disgusting. Who would want to do that job?" Sharpton is also planing a nation wide boycott of Cruise's Mission Impossible III, which opens this Friday.

Cruise was asked about the escalating incident during the Mexican promotion tour of Mission Impossible III. "This isn't a matter of race," said Cruise. "It's a matter of bleach. And I think we should all remember it's "turn" the other cheek, not "spread".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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