BASSETERRE on SAINT KITTS ISLAND - North West Kardashian/West is to be married off to Bobby "Bonzai" Bonacelli this coming Sunday in a $5 million wedding extravaganza extraordinaire' on the Caribbean Island of Saint Kitts, in the quaint city of Basseterre.
Everybody who is anybody in Hollywood or Washington, D.C., has been invited to the posh ceremony, "And if you don't bring a present worth at least $3 million in the form of a money order - we prefer Western Union - in a standard, business-sized envelope for the happy bride and groom, just stay at home. We don't want you here," said North West's grandmother and the wedding's planner Kris Kardashian, who sometimes uses the pseudonym Kris Jenner.
Maid of Honor Kimberly Kardashian "Kim" West, said she's very proud that her one-year-old niece decided to take the plunge into holy matrimony. She said the engaged pair met while the entire Kardashian clan were vacationing together on Nevis Island, the sister island of Saint Kitts. The toddler and the infant were in the sunny sunshine. Little Bobby was laying on his back, sucking on a pacifier, since he's too young to even walk yet; while North West was building a little sandcastle on the beach, which looked to be nothing but a pile of soggy mud.
Bobby, who is only six-months-old and who is the son of Tony 'The Bone Crusher' Bonacelli and his live-in girlfriend, Monica Megan Magillicutty, can't talk but he uses hand gestures and facial movements to communicate.
He kept pointing to North West, pursing his lips and acting like he was throwing kisses to the adorable little toddler, as this reporter was interviewing both he and North West at a beach-side bar on Saint Kitts Island.
"We know they're young, but what the heck, it's your typical dysfunctional and deep-fried-to-the-bones Kardashian wedding," said North West's aunt, Kloe Karadashian, as she and her niece were sharing a dirty daiquiri.
Aunt Kloe, who wore an Indian headdress and who was posed in front of a little teepee for North West's recent one-year birthday party - a hipster kind of bash termed "a Kidchella" - will be marrying the two love birds. This time around, for this particular ceremony, Aunt Kloe will be fully dressed as a Tibetan monk. And not any monk, mind you, but she'll be wearing the full regalia of the Dalai Lama himself.
Kanye West, North West's father, said he wasn't going to the wedding. Kanye said the young age of the two love birds wasn't an issue, but yelled, "I'm mad as hell that Kloe is going as the Dalai Lama and not me! Why wasn't I the monk?! I wanted to wear that outfit!"
"We've spared no expense for the wedding reception," Aunt Kloe said. "There'll be tons of caviar, the finest champaigns, rib-eye steaks, corn-on-the-cob, gourmet coffees, exotic macaroni and cheeses, McDonald's and Wendy's hamburgers for the kids - they love that stuff, and of course, we've brought in seventeen hip-hop music acts - all friends of Kanye, by the way, if I have to say so for myself, thank you, to do the big shuffle. It's family oriented for the kids and adult oriented for the adults. Very eclectic."
Most of the glitterati this reporter telephoned who were invited to this shindig said they were not attending. Most said they believed that the young age of the bride and groom was suspect and very peculiar.
"I cannot condone a wobbling toddler and a suckling infant becoming involved with the sacred institution of marriage," said Snoop Dog, who said he will not be performing at the ceremony, even though Kanye West personally asked him to perform for an hour or so.
"I know a guy who thinks he's in the music business, what a knucklehead he is - he's a blind, deaf, mute who's also tone deaf. He goes by the stage name Leapin' Larry Lizard the Leopard Catcher. Even this nut can make better music than Kanye West," said music man superstar 50 Cent. "And I'm not gonna go to this here wedding, even though Kloe and Lamar asked me to perform. I'm busy that day, anyhow. I'm doin' myself somefin' constructive - I'm gonna to cut up dead earthworms and crickets with a pocketknife 'n feed it all to some birds out back'a my crib."
"It's just too young, even by Hollywood standards," echoed Brad Pitt, who also declined his RSVP. He said his wife might go, since she's very concerned about an infant and a toddler getting married by a woman impersonating the Dalai Lama.
"She's such an angel, my Angelina. Yes, Angelina Jolie is actually thinking of taking custody of the two children and adding them to the happy flock of other kids that she and I have already adopted. Just say we're concerned. Very, very concerned," Pitt gasped.
"If Angelina does decide to attend," Pitt said with a rough snort, "You can bet your life that she'll be carting those two kids home with her when she leaves. North West and Bobby will be calling her Mom from then on."
Even Bruce Jenner, Kris Kardashian's longtime husband, decided not to attend the wedding. "I don't know. Doesn't age one and age six months sound a little young to get married? I have an open mind about things, I'm a typical Californian, but when it's time to say enough's enough, I'm not batting an eyelash. And enough's enough! How in the mother fried hell do I get myself released from this crazy family?!"
The Washington Press Corps, speaking for President Barack and First Lady Michelle Obama, said the Obamas were not attending this wedding, either. The President's press secretary said the Obamas had "no comment" when asked why they weren't going.
"I didn't go to Kim's wedding because I decided to play golf," said Donald Trump, who also got an invitation. "This time, I'm sleeping in. And I've never, ever slept in one day in my life. But guess what? This Sunday, I'm sleeping in. Until 7 a.m., and then there's work to do."
When asked if he was going to send North West and Bobby "Bonzai" Bonacelli the requested gift - a $3 million money order - Trump replied, "I'd rather give that money to the Democratic Party. The answer is no, no and no!"
This reporter sat down with the two to-be love birds for a personal interview. Although Bobby couldn't talk or communicate, North West was able to give some simple communiques', in her baby talk.
When asked what Bobby wanted to be when he grows up, North West said, "A rapper, a fireman, a police dog, a raccoon with a bird on its head, a purple dinosaur, and a shark."
When asked what North West wanted to be when she grew up, the little girl replied, "A nurse, a poodle dog, a horse, a chipmunk, a chicken, a hound dog, a fire lady, a police dog, and a chipmunk."
Then came the hard question from this reporter. When asked why the two decided to get married, little North West replied, "Grandma Kris Kris make us do it for green co-ard thingies. Money. We get divorced on Ground Hoggy Day. Stay friends. Kiss kiss."