Written by E. Williams
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Sunday, 3 August 2014

image for SyFy Channel Announces Sharknado Spin-Off: "Slothicane!"
A Slothicane takes shape. Slowly take cover!

Boca Raton, FL - TV executives from the SyFy Channel are excited after receiving great ratings for the latest Sharknado offering and have already announced a new project, Slothicane!

According to early reports, the plot for Slothicane will follow similar plot themes from the Sharknado series. The main plot theme will remain that the incident is caused by global warming.

Due to changes in the world's climate, due to warming, weather patterns will change in a way that will cause sloths to be sucked out of their trees in rainforests and pushed slowly through the oceans of the world to even more slowly wreak havoc on the human race.

While Sharknado played on viewers' fear of sharks and the suddenness of a shark coming out of nowhere to gobble up unsuspecting victims, Slothicane will play out much slower and will rely on pulling the viewer in for the long haul by the emotion in the faces of the expressive sloths.

Some differences between the shows: Sharknado was aired each time in one night. Slothicane will be aired over three weeks since every aspect of the storm moves as slow as a sloth.

Sharknado was filled with blood and terror. Slothicane will have no bloodshed, although a boy in the film suffers a scrape on his arm from a sloth claw, and victims will have two months to prepare for the storm once they find out about it.

Additionally, in Slothicane, once the storm moves on shore and the sloths are unleashed, potential victims will be able to stroll down the street, stop off at a Starbucks, hang out with some friends for a while, and continue on their way without the sloths catching up to them.

Have we mentioned how f*cking slow these sloths are? Yeah, it's crazy. But SyFy thinks they have another hit on their hands. They think after the first two Sharknado films the public might need a breather.

Already writers for the network are kicking around ideas for Slothalanche, ThunderSloth, and Slothquake, a slow, deliberate, gentle moving of the tectonic plates that takes forever but causes no real damage. Al Gore will direct.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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