Written by Cereal and Milk
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Saturday, 2 August 2014

image for Bear Grylls Breaks Down After Camera Crew Leaves For Five Minutes
Bear Grylls found in a place just like this, except shittier.

Bear Grylls, survival expert, tragically broke down and entered what appears to be a catatonic state on his latest adventure in the Siberian Tundra due to the onset of hypothermia after being left alone by his camera crew for five minutes. The team was in shock after they returned to witness their friend planted in the snow, naked, with only his moccasins on.

"Man, I don't know," said assistant director Fred Willow. "We left seeing him all snuggled up with his caribou pelts and when we came back there he was. I mean we were only gone for five minutes. Five minutes, man! I didn't realize so much could happen. We were so wrong!"

In retrospect, the camera crew admitted that they should have known it was a huge mistake to leave a man alone who would literally put anything in his mouth, unless they hid it.

While looking for any indication on what might have happened, on site personal located Bear Grylls' pants, which were apparently soaked in piss and upon further analysis appeared to be covered in bear semen.

"The signs are just so clear now. Should a man really be the face of survival if one of us has to keep tying his shoes every fucking two seconds? We told him Velcro but he wouldn't even touch the shoes unless they lit up," said head chef Harry Carlton.

When asked about what would happen to Grills, sound recorder Phillip Jay said, "Well, right now, we're currently in the middle of phase one. Where we poke him with a twig continually for a few hours just to make sure that he'll recover. Then we'll proceed to the much simpler phase two, where we toss him into any old ravine, yunno, just for a laugh."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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