Written by Samuel Vargo
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Topics: Ted Nugent

Friday, 1 August 2014

image for Ted Nugent Opens' Kill Any Animal You Want with a Machine Gun' Amusement Park

BUMMED OUT, Texas - The Motor City Moron, who's been popping off for a long time now with impunity, finally has some consequences for being such a loud-mouthed, arrogant, dangerous pig-of-an asshole - and he's been hit just where it hurts the most - in his bank account.

Ted Nugent, who recently called Native Americans "unclean vermin" has been having every concert he's performed at demonstrated on by members of the American Indian Movement, Idle No More, various Hispanic groups, and other good American groups who don't like the draft-dodging bigot and this self-proclaimed pedophile's racist diatribe against American Indians and other races and ethnic groups. A number of the normally small theaters where Nugent has been slated to perform already nixed his upcoming performances, either because the theater owners and management can't stand this racist and misogynist cretin or they just don't want to be hit with the repercussions of mass protest.

Nugent, originally from Michigan but who now lives on a big ranch in Texas and who has even said he believes the South should have won the Civil War, has long been the golden boy for the Tea Party. His right-wing wacko views seem to make him a good fit with the likes of other preposterous, dangerous, right-wing weirdoes such as Sarah 'the great bull moose hunter and royal pain in the ass' Palin, and Michelle 'I'll just say another ridiculous, offensive, asinine, little snippet that will totally outrage 98% of the Free World' Bachmann.

But not to worry, Ted the Ped's got a remedy for the busted-pocketbook blues. He's opened up the 'Kill Any Animal You Want with a Machine Gun' Amusement Park on the back side of his 7,000-acre dude ranch.

The specialty amusement park offers a wide array of package deals. And the bare-bones offerings include some that are even affordable for even those on welfare. For $50, you can get an AR-15 and shoot at a chicken and a snail. If you add on another $10 to this, you can get two AR-15s and shoot at a pack of field mice and two chipmunks. For a hundred bucks, you can get an M-16 and rat-a-tat-tat at a flock of sparrows and some Canadian geese. For $125, you can get an M-16 and shoot at a ground hog, two chickens, three pigeons and two scurrying squirrels.

The intermediate deals are a bit more costly, but offer more exciting opportunities. For $250, you can get an AK-47 and shoot at a domesticated pig, some chipmunks and at least one gopher. For $350, you can get an AR-15, along with an M-16, and have a blast firing at Canadian geese and pigeons flying overhead and Western Diamondback rattlesnakes and sundry breeds of salamanders crawling around at your feet.

The most expensive packages are for rich Republicans only. For $2,500, you can get a bazooka (WW-II issue, U.S. Army surplus), along with a surface-to-air missile, and blast upon a herd of wild boars. For $3,500, you can get a bazooka, a surface-to-air missile, along with a very dangerous, rapid-firing drone, and have fun trying to bring down a cheetah and her litter of cubs on the Texas prairie. And the most deluxe deal is a $6,500 package where you can spend a three-day sojourn on Ted's dude ranch hunting not only a pride of lions, but a tiger, too - with a drone, a surface-to-air-missile, five AK-47s, ten M-16s, along with having access to your very own F-16 Fighting Falcon fighter plane. And for this super-duper package, you are allowed to invite three guests along with this Texas safari.

Ted the Ped, who referred to President Barack Obama as a "subhuman mongrel" and a "chimpanzee" and who had some choice words for Hillary Clinton that can't even be transcribed here, not only performs onstage with a guitar, but sometimes, also with two machine guns - one in each arm. He says his amusement park is not only for adults, but for kids, too. In fact, he said he opened the park to attract the kiddies and doesn't care much about whether adults visit or not.

"I love kids and they love me, too. They think of me as that wired-out, old, Chester the Molester Uncle. I believe in the Second Amendment and machine guns. I believe in war, even though I was a draft dodging, crap-in-my pants coward when I was drafted to go to Vietnam. But I'll certainly send your sons and daughters to die in some senseless, useless, zero-sum-game war in some bumfucked No Man's Land," Ted the Ped said.

Playing over the air, nonstop, is Ted Nugent's neh're do well hit "Jailbait", which goes almost/something like this:

I've got no inhibitions
So keep your keys out of your ignition
I steal a car like I got the curse
I can't resist the old lady's purse

Jailbait you look so good to me
Jailbait won't you set me free
Jailbait you look fine, fine, fine
I know I've got to have you in a matter of time

Well I don't care if you're just thirteen
You look too good to be true
I just know that you're probably clean
There's one lil' thing I got do to you

Jailbait you look so good to me
Jailbait won't you set me free
Jailbait you look fine, fine, fine
I know I've got to have you in a matter of time

So tell your mama that I'm back in town
She likes us boys when it's time to get down
She's got this craving for the underage
I just might be your mama's brand new rage

Jailbait you look so good to me
Jailbait won't you set me free
Jailbait you look fine, fine, fine
I know I got to have you in a matter of time .

Well, I don't care if you're just 13
You look too good to be true
I just know that you're probably clean
There's one lil' thing I got do to you
Jailbait you look so good to me
Jailbait - won't you set me free
Jailbait you look fine, fine, fine
I know Ive got to have you in a matter of time
It's quite alright, I asked your mama
Wait a minute, officer
Don't put those handcuffs on me
Put them on her, and I'll share her with you...

It's Ted the Ped's favorite song, even though it wasn't one of his biggies on the radio or over the counter, in record sales. And this little dittie plays nonstop, over and over again, at the amusement park he's developed for sociopathic psychopaths who only want to kill, kill, kill other living things.

"Yeah, those young girls they really turn me on. And that thing about me and Courtney Love when she was only 12 or 13, well, it was all wrong. Actually, the real story is much worse," Ted Nugent said with a loud, arrogant, proud laugh.

"I'm thinking about offering a $10 deal for renting a Glock and shooting it at a little bowl of goldfish," the aging wanna-be rocker said. "It's for all the welfare recipients out there who can't afford the more deluxe packages. I'd like to pack all those useless parasites up in a boat and sail them away to Uruguay, but hell, as long as they're still around, I might as well take their generic beer and cigarette money."

There is a $5 charge to enter the gates of the ' Kill Any Animal You Want with a Machine Gun' Amusement Park.

The last time we checked, the line to get in was a half mile long and there seemed to be angst, anger, and paranoia permeating everywhere around the parameters of the park.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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