Written by D P Whitehead
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Topics: Orlando Bloom

Wednesday, 30 July 2014

Born on the mean streets of Canterbury, British tough guy - actor Orlando Bloom - knows a thing or two about violence. Raised by a pair of hippies, Bloom was well known for his fighting skills - he was after all the leader of the Canterbury Cunts - the well known street gang who terrorized the English city - hanging out in bus shelters, spitting and saying bad words.

It comes as no surprise then, that Bloom has earned the reputation as one of Hollywood's hard men - is he thenext Jason Statham, Vinny Jones or Sean Bean many are not asking?

Yesterday Bloom and Justin Bieber got into a heated cat fight in Ibiza, Spain. After getting in each other's faces-Bloom threw a hate filled bitch slap at the pop star - which missed. Bieber, who has the body and physique of an 11 year old girl reportedly burst into tears after the missed slap.

Bloom's fury has sent shock waves throughout the acting world.

"Bloom is a fucking nutter," said Brad Pitt, "I hear he is gunning for me next - I am shitting bricks."

Bloom can often be spotted sporting a twatty beard, wearing a stupid hat or wanking.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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