Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Topics: Hell, Jerry Springer

Thursday, 24 July 2014

image for Jerry Springer Nearly Dies and Goes to Hell; Rumble Ensues
Take care of yourself, and each other

HELL---Longtime tabloid talk show host Jerry Springer was pronounced dead from a gorilla attack on Friday, soon after beginning his Final Thought segment at the end of the show, but was eventually revived by EMTs at the scene.

Friday's show, which featured a veterinarian who was discovered cheating on her husband with the gorilla she was treating for ED, or Erectile Dysfunction, ended, predictably, with a brawl, as police were called in with tranquilizer guns to subdue the angry gorilla before he could maul the vet's husband, Dwayne.

As everyone sat quietly on stage, Springer began his Final Thought with, "Married couples certainly, over a span of years, will have their ups and downs in the course of a marriage. However when one of them gives up on that sacred commitment to love and care for each another, and starts monkeying around"--but the seventy year old did not finish his Final Thought, as the gorilla awoke prematurely from his tranquilized state and attacked Springer.

EMTs at the scene tried to revive the famed talk show host but failed at first; and Springer later reported that his soul immediately went to that part of Hell reserved for sleazy talk show hosts and their guests, who, as part of their punishment, must spend eternity with each other.

One of the deceased guests in Hell, who drank himself to death after fathering six children with three different women, started calling Springer names as soon as he arrived there. He was apparently still mad over being publicly humiliated, in front of millions of viewers, for not being able to keep his cucumber sheathed while staying with his pregnant girlfriend of four months at the time he was appearing on the show.

Another guest then recognized Jerry Springer and went beyond invective, attacking the talk show host with a smoking stalactite he broke off of the roof of Hell. Others joined in before they and the incensed guest had nearly beaten Springer to a bloody pulp before Satan's minions intervened and stopped the fight.

Said Satan, who was interviewed via satellite by Kate Bolduan of CNN's New Day, "This sort of thing happens all the time here in Hell. A TV or radio talk show host shows up here, and all the guests whom he or she has humiliated or lied about over the years have at 'em! I try not to break up the fight too soon, since it gives everyone something to do for a while. As you can imagine, things can get kind of boring down here."

Bolduan then asked, "But don't you feel any responsibility to protect the inhabitants of Hell from these altercations?"

Satan, at that point, just laughed and said, "Oh, no, Kate. Not at all! In fact, I'm looking forward to the rumble that follows Maury Povich's or Steve Wilkos's passing. Now, that'll be a rumble to watch!"

Springer, still wearing a neck brace, is reportedly now doing well and is expected to do a show on his near-death experience called "To Hell and Back."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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