AUSTIN, Texas - Gov. Rick Perry believes that unaccompanied children entering the U.S. illegally should be rounded up and forced to work in children's TV programming as offbeat public housing neighbors, custodial help or slick, streetwise hustlers, as a way to pay off their debt to our country.
"They could become like Hispanic versions of Gibby from 'iCarly' or Dice from 'Sam and Cat,'" said Perry. "We could attach their wages -- and I'm thinking the standard Hollywood rate for illegal minors is $2.15 an hour, which is the same as Texas -- and whatever is left over they could send back home, minus a government handling fee."
Perry discounted claims of a TV "puppy mill" where young actors are genetically altered to remain 12 to 14 years old and cuddly and charming everlasting, instead of maturing into troubled, sexually dysfunctional young adults with aspirations for a move into R-rated indie films.
"Those are just rumors started by Mickey," he said.
Perry, a vocal critic of the White House's response to the border crisis, said he's not trying to exploit the surge of children entering the U.S. illegally, but instead is just being practical.
"At least I'm not suggesting we farm them out to Indonesia," he said. "In fact, I know these people who know these people who have a boat who would take these kids off our hands for $50 a head."
Perry, who said Monday he is deploying up to 1,000 National Guard troops over the next month to the Texas-Mexico border, has rejected suggestions from well-meaning citizens who would like to participate and be allowed to "shoot to kill" anyone entering illegally.
"But I am seriously considering a 'shoot to scare the hell out of them' scenario," he noted.