Written by D P Whitehead
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Topics: J.K. Rowling

Sunday, 20 July 2014

JK Rowling, whose crime novels written under the pseudonym Robert Galbraith will eventually outnumber her Harry Potter books, has announced that she is planning a crime spree.

Our informant "Mick", who generally hangs out at the bus station rubbing his gums, told us her plans included shoplifting mushrooms from Asda, pushing cripples out of their wheelchairs, spitting on dwarfs and adorning bus shelters with vile graffiti.

Mick says she was speaking at a rare public talk at Harrogate's annual meeting of hard-core crime lords.

Local ne'er-do-wells, who seem unsurprised by the revelations, have been giving their reaction to the news.

"She is a bad 'un," said Billy 'Bonecrusher' Jones, a hard man from the mean streets of Teddington - "it wouldn't surprise me if she turns over a post box."

Rival gang boss Paddy "Paddy" Patricks, who hails from the slums of Tiverton in Devon told me, "If Rowling goes off on one then watch your washing. She is likely to creep in to people's back gardens and nick their drying of the line. Crafty."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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