Written by Trinculoman
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Thursday, 12 June 2014

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Patui-Tui-Twonga, South Pacific -- Following some intensive investigative work, we caught up with Godzilla on a remote island where the resurgent mutant lizard was keeping a low profile, after having been deported from the big island of Hawaii for causing a major sanitation crisis in the Kilauea lava lake. Extensive reports about the actual incident have been sparse and have tended to be rumor-laden, but an unnamed source from the Hawaiian State Office of Mellow Sustainability told us that Godzilla had evacuated what remained of a couple of Japanese nuclear reactors in said location.

Godzilla was basking in the sun on a western beach of Patui-Tui-Twonga, and he seemed to be momentarily content while sucking on an atomic warhead. We opened with a question about his recent return to the cinematic screen and then moved on to ask the intrepid reptile about a medley of topics. His unedited responses follow.

Current Movie: "Yeah, it was cool being back in there, doing my thing in a 'vortex of destruction'. 'Leastwise that's the way my director, Tony Ripcord, put it. But, hey, it's a gig…pays the bills, man. 'Twas something of a drag being stuck in that synthetic digital environment, though. . . like being jailed in virtual reality, but I guess it was good for my motivation, y'know … ramped me up for eating them nuclear silos and knocking the crap outta them Tokyo buildings."

The Dating Scene: "It's tough meeting hot lizardesses when you have radioactive breath! I mean I gargle with vats of Drano, sure, but hey, in a culture that's polymorphously perverse, you'd think a high-functioning, radioactively pumped reptile could catch a break! I sure as sh*t ain't no kimono dragon!"

Pet Project: "Been wanting to do a buddy flick with my bro Eddie 'Buzz' Kraken…kinda like a 'Lethal Weapon 12: High Noon on the Barrier Reef.' I optioned a screen play that had been laying around at the bottom of Mel Gibson's saltwater hot tub collecting barnacles."

Pet Peeve: "No major medical plan! I've got some really rancid stomach acid, dude, and the reptilian exclusion plank of Obama Care pisses me off! Like, hey, I'm just a quintessential mutant lizard, man, and eating nuclear reactors is what I do, damn it!"

About His Tattoo-Etched on his Abdomen: 'Born to Burp Bad': "Got it in Vegas after downing some bad-assed radioactive waste in the desert….'Nuff said."

Dream Part: "Playing Stanley Scalywolski in a reptilian production of 'A Nuclear Meltdown Called Desire' opposite creepy-crawly Madonna as Blanche Iguana."

What Really Happened on Hawaii: "OK…so I took a dump on the Island! It's like, I don't dare pollute the ocean any more since I had Greenpeace right on my tail, chasing me all over the South China Sea with their explosive harpoon ships. So, I saw the smokin' volcano on the horizon and said to myself, what's a little more stuff on that contaminated sink hole..though now I guess the natives are not exactly inclined to say 'Aloha'. But hey, sh*t happens."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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