Written by Shortty
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Topics: Sting

Friday, 30 May 2014

image for Sting has sex with himself for three days. Is very satisfied.
Sting has a well deserved smoke after performing a three day sex act upon himself

News has reached us here at the Spoof that the diminutive Geordie singing legend Sting has split from his wife Trudie Styler. Apparently she had finally lost patience with him being unable to have a conversation without mentioning his work and how generally amazing he is. Sting refuted these claims to us just before he flew off to a secret rain forest location where he had a steamy three day sex session with himself to clear his head.

The former Police frontman revealed "yeah sometimes i like to take myself off for a dirty weekend. I am easily the best looking person i've ever slept with so i usually get so turned on that i make love to myself, often for days on end. I've mastered the art of tantric sex, which you really ought to try you know, so sometimes i give myself a seventy two hour seeing to, you know, just because i can. I deny being obsessed with myself and my work though, i'm actually very shy".

When we asked him more about the reasons for the split, Sting commented "sometimes you meet someone who makes you feel like you're Walking on the moon, you know. Every little thing she does is magic and you think of her Every breath you take. Then one day you hear yourself saying Roxanne, The bed's too big without you so Please don't stand so close to me When we dance. And even though i Can't stand losing you, i feel that If i ever lose my faith in you, If you love somebody set them free".

Our reporter, a jazz fan, was rather bemused so made his excuses and stood to leave. The visibly upset pop star screeched "please don't go. I've written a brilliant new song, i could sing it to you if you like" just as he got his fucking massive head wedged in his own front door.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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