Written by E. Williams
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Sunday, 18 May 2014

London - After decades of churning out original, trippy, bizarre and beautiful music and selling kazillions of albums, Pink Floyd have announced they intend to release a children's book this summer. Titled, "Dark Side of the Mattress", the book promises to break new ground in the young children's genre.

The group felt they needed to shake things up and take a break from the studio. David Gilmour, guitarist and co-lead vocalist of the popular band said, "It's a chapter book and has several chapter names that parents who were fans of our music will probably recognize."

"The chapter 'Speak to Me/Breathe' will be familiar and instructs parents to read the chapter in a deranged, creepy voice to really scare the little poppets! We also instruct the parents to put on headphones while reading and tell the little ones the story just sounds better that way."

Gilmour continued, "The chapter 'Us and Them' is very unsettling, yet dreamy, about 'Them' being something mysterious and scary that will have the little buggers pissing themselves before the end of the chapter. Waterproof sheets not included!" he joked.

'One of My Turns' is a chapter with a nod to the band's wildly popular album "The Wall". In it, parents are instructed to trash their child's room, like the rock star in the song, thus making the child afraid to bother mom or dad after they've been tucked in.

There are parts of the book that will instruct parents to laugh maniacally and make lots of other sound effects to enhance the child's listening experience.

Not to give too much away but the chapter titled 'Shine on You Crazy Demon' scared the hell out a focus group of kids. The average cost of therapy for the kids in that group is currently $75 a week. The book will retail for $15.99.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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