Written by E. Williams
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Friday, 16 May 2014

Bloomington, IL - The actor who plays "Jake, from State Farm", we'll call him Jake, from State Farm, in the famous insurance firm's commercial, is suing the company for stereotyping him as "hideous" and ruining his love life. The actor seeks $5 million in damages and says, "I figured that amount could buy me quite a bit of love in many countries around the world."

Jake had been seeing a lovely lady named Tammy when shooting on the commercial began a year and a half ago but, shortly after the commercial hit the airwaves, she started acting differently and then abruptly stopped seeing the poor bastard.

"Tammy brought up the 'hideous' comment one time but that was it." Jake continued, "I said, Babe! It's me. I'm still the same lovable guy I've always been!"

"She started thinking maybe I really was hideous, I hate that word now, and I think she was constantly wondering when we went out together whether all the other women were thinking I was hideous too."

"We would go out to dinner where kids would recognize me, come over, ask for an autograph, and run off laughing and saying to each other, 'He sounds hideous!' It's very embarrassing and I'm tired of it. Punks."

"I've tried other dating sites, blind dates, picking up hookers on the wrong side of town, even mail-order brides from Estonia, but sooner or later the truth about my past work comes up and it bites me in the ass every time!" Jake said frustratingly.

"I'm a nice, average guy who would make a really great husband if there's anybody who can overlook the 'hideous' taint that I'm labelled with, thanks to State Farm."

One benefit of his ordeal is that he gets discounts on khaki's in stores all over town. It almost makes the whole hideous thing worth it. Oh wait, no, no never mind, Jake is yelling to me that the khaki discounts are crap compared to the true love he seeks.

His trial starts later this year and we wish him luck as he slugs through the legal process which, at times, can also become quite, don't tell him we said this, HIDEOUS.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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