Written by Will Gwaa
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Sunday, 4 May 2014

Fans of the legendary rock group One Direction will be saddened to find out today that due to their constant wearing of skinny jeans, One Direction have as a collective unit become impotent. The jet setting 5some, who shot to fame when X Factor shot them to fame, have not been seen out of skinny jeans since they first stained our TV sets.

Niall Horan, the Irish bandmember who usually stands on the far left, was close to tears as doctors told him that his only options for starting a family are adoption.

Sources claim Harry Styles who lives in a floating mansion in Kent took the news in his stride stating "If worst comes to the worst, I'll buy a family like Madonna".

Doctors claim the skinny jeans, which leave little to the imagination, "suffocate your cock and balls and essentially cut the life out of your testicles". He went on to suggest that skinny jeans should be banned as it can lead to several issues including "moose knuckle" which is an outline of your testicles and cock in your jeans.

The doctor also added that skinny jeans are "not only detrimental to your reproductive organs, but they also make you look like a wanker".

Louis Walsh, who is best friends with the bands manager Simon Cowell is said to have offered his sperm to the lads if they are "ever stuck". The boys, whos thoughts are cloned by "media masters" are reportedly going to make a statement at the end of their 55 month sell out tour of Northern Ireland.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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