Written by E. Williams
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Saturday, 3 May 2014

Tokyo - In the latest incarnation of the Godzilla series of big-screen features, Godzilla 2014, the monster playing the fierce creature looks a little less menacing than in previous movies, and a little more out of shape.

"It's true, I've let myself go the last few years." The giant beast sighed. "They called my agent two years ago about doing this movie and I thought I could whip myself back into shape. But you know as well as I do, when you hit middle age, it's a bitch to lose weight, man."

Godzilla has been enjoying the riches of his past success the last fifteen years by feasting on fish, drinking beer and getting laid. He has spent most of those years on a lonely island in the Pacific where he would terrorize the occasional passing cruise ship but that was about the only real exercise he has had before shooting on the film started.

"When we started filming, I thought the fat would just melt away. But it just wouldn't happen!" Godzilla frustratingly explained. "They had a veterinarian check me out and told me I have Low T. Shit! Low Testosterone. Can you believe it?"

"I thought I had more testosterone than anything on the planet. Now, they've got me on this gel stuff that's given me 'man boobs' and I still feel sluggish and flabby! They couldn't find another monster so it was up to me."

The first few weeks of shooting, Godzilla was too embarrassed to take his shirt off and the director said they could go in later and take his shirt out of the shots with CGI. Finally, the cast realized if they got enough alcohol in the monster he would lose his inhibitions and take his shirt off.

Godzilla filmed most of his scenes drunk. The studio ended up spending more on alcohol for the shoot than on advertising. If the movie spawns a sequel, it will probably be called Godzilla: Spring Break!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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