We at Back and to the Left news, through our fair and balanced reporting, have made a huge amount of contacts in the showbiz world. These include the best friend of the sister of that lady who came 8th on Britain's Got Talent in 2008. You know which one we mean, she did that thing.
When scandals are bubbling to the fore more often than not it is us who hear of them first. However we're normally told well after last orders at the bar and generally wash the paper we'd wrote the details down on.
So when Gerald Fotherington a song writer for One Direction came to us with a scandal so huge we knew instantly we had to get it out there.
Gerald (who was an athletic looking 50 years old and had a wonderful head of hair) said:
"This machine you call One Direction isn't as it seems. It's all cuteness, fringes and non threatening songs on the outside but behind closed doors there is something deeply sinister going on."
Like monkey knife fights? (We'd seen one in Sao Paulo it was ace)
"No. Harry Styles eats people."
So do we. We said. Nodding and winking at Gerald who clearly didn't get our rude joke.
"You don't understand, he eats people, whole. He invites fans back to the hotel room, detaches his jaw and consumes them in a big gulp. He makes all of us watch he says it will give us inspiration. There is a man in his entourage called "The Collector" and his brief is to collect the tears of joy his deluded fans as he performs. He then sleeps in a bath full of these tear breathing through nostrils in the top of his head."
We sit wide eyed and unable to speak. Until we spoke. And asked. What do the others think?
"They don't exist. Their all holograms created to make Harry look better. Once he has ascended to a level of fame that allows him access to the highest corridors of power then the projections will be switched off leaving only him in the light of glory."
Nervously checking over his shoulder he pressed a small vial into our hands and looked worried into our eyes, which was difficult because he had two eyes and we had two sets of two which made four. So he made brief contact with one at a time.
"Get this to a lab, have them test it. You've got to find a way to stop Harry before it's too late."
He left. As we mulled over these revelations we reflected on the strangeness of a day which had once again ended with us holding a vial of Harry Styles blood. It wasn't the first time.