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Sunday, 27 April 2014

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The Curse of Burt Bacharach

Hollywood- Producers of the long awaited Burt Bacharach biopic fear the project is 'cursed' after Ron Howard became the third major director associated with the project to suffer a nervous breakdown. Previous victims of the 'Curse of Burt' are Steven Spielberg and Martin Scorcese.

According to one Hollywood insider problems existed from day one: " Ok here's what we've got, Burt Bacharach is a hit songwriter from the 1960s who grew up in middle class New York, got married a couple of times and apart from write songs did a lot of grinning. As soon as this was pitched around the place Steven Spielberg insisted he wanted to get on board as director. The producers thought this was great until they discovered that the opening sequence of the movie involved Burt having flashbacks to World War 2, a conflict he was too young to participate in, and Spielberg had spent several millions of their money on shooting elaborate and gory boat landings on beaches in uninhabited Pacific island locations. What the heck? There was also talk of the obligatory manipulative Spielberg subplot involving Burt being angry at his father."

Spielberg was removed and replaced by Scorcese but not before he was dragged from the set yelling "I curse this movie".

Martin Scorcese radically altered the project, translating the script into Southern Italian dialect, casting Joe Pesci as Bacharach and shooting scenes of such graphic violence that some crew members became unwell. Chaz Palminteri was cast as Bacharach's lyricist Hal David. Scorcese controversially implicated Bacharach and David in the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa and insisted on an incongruous soundtrack entirely derived of Italian opera or the Rolling Stones. Scorcese was removed from the set in a straitjacket two months ago.

"Ron Howard was supposed to restore sanity. Before he started going round on all fours barking like a dog, he re-set the whole action of the movie in a cornfield in Idaho. About 90% of what he shot is about an idiot savant who has an immense talent with numbers and his sweetheart, a blind girl. The first line of the script was Sally Field standing on a porch yelling "Albert Bacharach you get in here this instant."

Who will be the next major Hollywood director to fall victim to the curse of Burt?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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