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Friday, 25 April 2014

image for Susanna Reid's Breasts to Be 'Sanctified' Live on 'Good Morning Britain's' Debut Show
First ever breasts to be 'sanctified'.

As ITV gear up for the launch of its latest Breakfast show, insiders have announced that there will be a live link to the Vatican during the show.

Following the demise of the much maligned 'Daybreak' the launch of ITV's latest breakfast incarnation has been greeted by mixed reactions by industry insiders. 'Good Morning Britain' producers however, are confident about it's launch.

A spokesman said "We are confident that Susanna Reid's professionalism and journalistic experience will re-invent a tired old format, we are looking forward to challenging the BBC's ratings once more, forget Roland Rat, we've got the biggest name in the industry".

A press release read, "I'm Newly single after splitting from my long-term partner Dom Cotton just weeks after finishing my stint on Strictly Come Dancing, I'm both chuffed and excited to be honoured like this by the Vatican. I can also now pick up my kids up after school, I feel very lucky," she said. "I get to do the school run after my yoga classes, when a lot of working mums don't get home until bedtime."

Sacked presenter of 'Daybreak', and 'Songs of Praise' regular Aled Jones (whose balls finally dropped last Tuesday) was apparently looking forward to the live link-up with the Vatican, he told us in an exclusive interview: "Susanna's breasts will certainly bring in the viewers, and because of her new exclusive contract, it's guaranteed that her hemline will be much higher than her BBC counterparts

"As a devout Christian I'm looking forward to the live sanctification ceremony, it'll certainly be a first for ITV, and the wife will be at work".

The 'ceremony' rumoured to be led by Swiss Cardinal Gilberto Agustoni, ( apparently chosen for his love of 'shapely women') will be live on air at approximately 9:04 am, after most viewers have left for work. Both Cardinal Fiorenzo Angelini of Italy, and Cardinal Serafim Fernandes de Ara├║jo from Brazil, were discounted from leading the ceremony on account of their love of 'small boys'.

Susanna Reid herself was unavailable for comment, but an inside source claimed that 'Susanna is very excited by the thought of the ceremony, and will not wear a bra during the live event'.

It is thought Susanna will wear red, matching the colour of show producers blushing complexions.

We'll keep you posted.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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