Written by T. J. Grover
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Sunday, 20 April 2014

image for Tila Tequila Announces She's Pregnant. Crapola.

Tila Tequila, the Babe Ruth of all social media whores, announced today that she is ten weeks pregnant with her first child, sending the soon to be father into a panic.

For those of our readers born after 1992, Tila Tequila was the most popular individual on the now-defunct social media site Myspace. With a slew of skimpy bikini pics, obviously fake boobs and crappy club tracks, by 2006 Tila boasted a Myspace page over 3 million friends and 31.5 million views. But a failed reality series, a music career that ended at a 2010 concert in which ICP fans threw rocks at her onstage, and blog posts that sympathize with Hitler and claim that all money has black magic has left her career thankfully a distant memory.

The still unnamed baby daddy (we'll just call him Mr. Bummer) has spent the last month freaking out, according to friends. He's been to every free clinic in the greater Los Angeles area first getting tested for any and every STD known to man, and then getting tested to see if he's sterile. According to those friends, he unfortunately is not.

The news has caused Tila, now 32, to trend on Facebook for the first time in the history of the social media site. She has so far received well wishes from, among others, the Kardashians, Snooki, and Bristol Palin. Each of them claim Tila as an inspiration for them to be famous without doing anything to earn it. And as far as Mr. Bummer goes, his friends tell us he's on the verge of psychosis, but we suspect it may be a ruse to be out of the picture by the baby's due date, which will be some time in mid-November. But trying to dodge someone like Tila, who does nothing but try to garner attention, will be a tall order. We wish Mr. Bummer well in this endeavor.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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