Written by Jalapenoman
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Topics: Academy Awards

Monday, 13 November 2006

The 2007 Academy Award Ceremony will be co-hosted by Jeff Foxworthy ("You might be a redneck"), Bill Engvall ("Here's your sign"), Larry the Cable Guy ("GIt 'er done"), and Ron White ("They call me tater salad"). The stand-up comedians and actors are already working on comedy bits for the show.

Said Foxworthy, "We already know that Larry is going to tear the sleeves off of his tuxedo and probably wear a flannel shirt instead of the tuxedo shirt with that frilly lacey stuff on it. This may also be the first time in the history of the Oscars that a presenter is wearing a hat from Bass Pro Shop. Some of the folks like Richard Gere or Susan Sarandon may appreciate it when one of his jokes doesn't work and he prays for the poor, starving children in Africa. We are going to have to keep him away from the bean burritos befor the show, cause I doubt that they'll allow him to do any fart lighting on stage."

When asked about Foxworthy's contributions to the show, Bill Engvall said that "Jeff recognizes the redneck in every aspect of society and life. For the Hollywood set, he'd probably say something like If you've ever been unable to pass the guy in the next limo the gray poupon, but tell him you've got packets of Taco Bell hot sauce in the ash tray, you might be a redneck. If you use your academy award to hold your double wide's screen door closed in a wind storm, you might be a redneck. You know, he'll find stuff like that to use."

Ron White was asked to comment on Bill Engvall. White, however, was intoxicated and only the following words were coherent: "Bill's signs......gotta get a drink....where's the toilet?....stupid.....need another drink....where's my cigar?"

Larry the Cable Guy came along during Mr.White's interview and offered these observations: "If you really want Ron to make any sense, you'll give him a bottle of Jack Daniels and a couple of cigars. When he's happy, he's funny. Thats when Ron can git 'er done. Any of you fellers want a moon pie?"

When told that the quartet would be hosting the awards, Joan Rivers, former host herself and red carpet interviewer, said "Are we celebrating the 40th anniversary of Deliverance? Is Smokey and the Bandid getting a lifetime achievement award? Are they serving pigs in a blanket at the pre-awards cocktail party? Why don't they let Billy or Whoopi host it again? I know Dennis Miller was bad, but this is going way too far."

The annual awards show will take place this spring.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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