Written by Jack Allen
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Topics: dildo, couples, married

Monday, 9 June 2014

image for Brian, 'The Bitch' And The Big Probe
"Double-headed" assistance

A husband is accusing his wife of rape after allegedly refusing to give consent for a dildo to be inserted into his anus.

Brian Moonwide, 31, met his wife Alexis 4 years ago and like most sex fiends are seen as reserved and quiet by their neighbours. However, last Thursday during a cheeky session of turf in surf, Alexis inserted a dildo into Brian's anus. Brian allegedly could not move as Alexis then pressed a button on the dildo that extended it at the tip by 5 inches. According to the initial forensic report, a bed sheet has only been covered in more blood and faecal matter after a botched exorcism in 1971.

In response to the serious yet highly amusing accusation, Alexis' lawyer released the following statement. "We were always quite kinky. He always wants to put it in my back passage, and I've let him on special occasions. Bareback at Christmas! It was my birthday and I wanted to do something new. When it went in him he came like he was hitting the money shot at a pornstar's gangbang! He's reacted so badly to something he enjoyed. Why should he have double standards about what we can do to each other?! Needless to say that our marriage, much like the tightness of Brian's colon, is no more."

Brian has been unavailable for comment, but his online shopping account now has extra large tampons listed in his favourites.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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