Written by D P Whitehead
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Tuesday, 15 April 2014

image for Ricky Gervais - Just Call Me Ricky
Ricky Gervais Collecting His Wages

As the lift doors slide open in the lobby of a London hotel, a short, comical looking figure steps incongruously into a Mêlée of designer-suited businessmen, shakers and movers, deal-makers and well, generally important people.

Head down and wearing the fixed grin of a simpleton and a black Marks and Spencer's T-shirt, which exposes two pudgy arms, he also sports a rather foppish hair cut, designed to cover his balding pate and to mask his thinning follicles.

He cuts a somewhat unlikely figure in these ornate and distinctly moneyed environs, and merits barely a flicker of recognition from those around him as he edges his way through the power-dressed throng to the hotel bar.

There, in a somewhat strange farmer/country bumpkin type accent, he orders a pint of Fosters, which he drinks alone on a bar-stool while studiously avoiding eye contact with his well-heeled fellow guests. He also orders four bags of quavers, several pork pies and some pork scratchings.

This is Ricky Gervais, who has been hailed as the greatest comedian on the planet.

Here, he is in his more customary role, as a complete and utter tosser.

For the past fifteen years, the Reading-born actor, writer and comedian has led a resolutely twatish existence, smugly aware that he has gotten very far on very little. He is the original benefactor of "The Emperor's New Clothes Syndrome" where, no matter what crap he spews out, he is lauded for being a genius.

He has emerged to make just two relatively amusing sitcoms in the past decade, The Office and Extras, where Gervais has simply played versions of himself. He has won BAFTA's, Golden Globes and Emmys - for being.....Ricky Gervais.

Indeed, the TV critic of the Bournemouth Gazette called the comics performances, as Ricky Gervais, the greatest he had seen - "No one plays Ricky Gervais quite like Ricky Gervais".

But the plaudits come as rumours circulate in London and Hollywood that one former co-star refuses to ever again work with Gervais after branding him "a complete knobhead, focused only on twitter and accumulating as many followers as he can".

Another claimed this week that in one scene, during the filming of Extras, the star stole food from his plate, putting him off the scene while Gervais was oblivious he was filming a TV show, focused only on the sight of sausage rolls. That Gervais' insatiable appetite and greed was simply "overwhelming".

Visitors to his home - which can only be reached via helicopter - have revealed how he spends his time obsessively scoffing down ephedrine laced diet pills and sitting in front of his computer, "Tweeting" manically about atheism, his wealth and his hobby..... being a complete and utter cunt.

No wonder he is being compared to the equally strange and equally as talented Joe Pasquale.

But then those who know the 50-year-old Gervais well have long since ceased to be surprised by his eccentric and odd lifestyle.

This year, he will return to our screens - and once again, instead of acting, he will play another version of himself, simply taking the piss out of a mentally challenged man called Derek.

So obsessed is Gervais with making a mockery out of real acting and talent, he has once again called in his small and dome shape headed friend Karl Pilkington to be his foil.

Pilkington, Gervais' pet and protégée, possess the talent and charisma of a toad.

Such lack of attention to acting and talent has sometimes irked his co-stars.

When he starred as the inept office manager David Brent, he wrote no script, did not rehearse; and while on set, called the whole production: "just me taking the piss out of the world".

It resulted in him falling out with co-star Martin Freeman, who was furious that Gervais insisted on addressing him by his real name even when filming and had to be reminded, constantly, that they were actually making a TV show.

Anyway, as Gervais has now not only fooled the British public but it now seems Hollywood, including truly talented comedians, and he has accumulated a fortune rumoured to be over $10 Billion - it is Gervais who is laughing (and waddling) all the way to the bank.

And his secret?

"It was the dance. That dance I did in that Office episode. People loved it. They forget about the poor stand up, stolen jokes and characters that are not characters at all, but me, taking the piss - it was that dance. Fucking tonks! Thanks for the cash!"

(Please note - this is a parody - I believe Ricky Gervais to be one of the most talented, briliant and greatest comedians of our generation. This, is satire, and a piss take.)

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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