There was a shock revelation in entertainment circles today as three of our most vapid, vacant, mediocre, and therefore most photographed and well liked, celebrities show that there's more to them than meets the eye.
In the exclusive Los Angeles hotel, The Enhanced Crotch, sassy young starlet Lindsay Lohan melted during a press conference.
Across town at the exclusive Vast Nipple Club, Paris Hilton's eyes glowed bright white, her mouth and bum fizzed and popped like a toaster in a bath tub, her arm fell off and then the rest of her collapsed like a cheap step ladder at a fashion event.
Not to be outdone, at the premiere of new movie 'To Do It With Dogs', Britney Spears started to communicate in complicated computer language HTML before spontaneously combusting spraying the surrounding members of the press with a gelatine type substance and wire couplings.
As yet neither their agents, their publicists or their milkman have made any official statement at this time but a Mr.P Beringhume from Louisiana has offered this explanation - 'well, you know, there is such a demand for irrelevant banal celebrities today that mere human reproduction cannot keep up, so we here at Celebfarms Inc. have started to manufacture them, synthetically'
After further research and snooping, this reporter, found that far from being the insane ramblings of some bearded freak from hicksville that the farm does, in fact, exist. Set far back amongst rolling hillside in America's Midwest, Celebfarms Inc. has been manufacturing bimbos and bimbettes for the best part of the last decade.
Their successes include Jude Law, Justin Timberlake, Simon Cowell and females Christina Aguilera, Katie Holmes and, in a surprise twist, first lady of the former Yugoslavia, Omar Sharif.
Although they are assembled and programmed in the States, Celbfarms Inc. actually outsource the parts manufacturing to a sweat shop in Taiwan. This has led protest hungry well meaning deluded actor Sean Penn to demand a full enquiry into the plant in Taiwan, owned by subsiduary Bodiparts Corp., to make sure no children and only us consumers are exploited.
Celebrity hanger-on Corey Feldman readily refutes this new discovery, saying that many of his best friends are insipid, vain and talent less yet he has met their mothers and can see a family resemblance believing, beyond reasonable doubt, that they are human. He also believes in Santa, the Easter Bunny, The Loch Ness Monster and George W Bush.
The Celebots are programmed specifically at Celebfarms Inc. to be the most irritatingly talent less hacks possible. They are developed with the idea that although reasonable, right thinking members of our society might wonder exactly why and how these walking, vomit-inducing drones are famous that people with an intense sense of apathy and ignorance will watch their every move, become obsessed with magazines about them (published by CelebfarmsMag Co.) and in some cases worship them as gods.
Until the recent event it appeared to be working, last week I interviewed this woman, Mrs. T T Greuntthigh from Gaff, Idaho who said, ' I Luuuurve them, they are just so pretty and so funny and so clever to exploit the media and make lots of money, I want to be just like them when I grow up! '
Mrs. Greuntthigh is 62 and lives in a trailer decorated with human skin.
So what now for pop music, wealthy tramps, mediocre 3rd rate actresses and nudey dumb models around the world? What's going to happen now their secret is out? Anything? Should we really care? Are we exploting them or are they exploiting us?
But of course, the answer is, we don?t know and we certainly don?t care.