ATLANTA, GA - Stephen Colbert said he's "fine" with the National Security Agency (NSA) knowing about his "privates," i. e., private and personal information, such as whether he's lesbian (he's not), gay (who would care?), bisexual (he could be), transgender (he's not yet); whether he believes in God (he's not saying); whether he supports President Obama (of course, he does!); or whether he's really all that funny (he's not sure; the jury's still out on that one).
"My life is an open book," he declared. "Like President Obama, I believe in transparency. In fact, I'm so transparent, I'd be willing to live in a glass house if conservatives promised not to throw stones at me."
"All seriousness aside," the comedian continued, "I'm a public figure; although I may or may not run a crime syndicate or pay my taxes, I have nothing to hide--well, except for those nude photos and sex tapes my insignificant other took of me way back when--just joking, folks! I'm a comedian; that's what I do. There's not need to Google me, really!"
Since the NSA began secretly spying on American citizens by any means necessary, Colbert has found himself among an increasingly small number of liberals who are willing to submit to the scrutiny of the Big Brother, at least without protest. As David Lettreman said, "As a good American, I might have to bend over for President Obama, but I don't have to like it."
Jay Leno's liberal replacement, Jimmy Fallon expressed similar sentiments, "Sometimes, being a patriot can be a real pain in the ass, if you catch my drift."
Colbert said, "Hell, I snoop on people's emails, too, whenever I can. Wouldn't you, if you could get away with it? Tell me the truth: wouldn't you like to who's dominant in the bedroom, Barry or Michelle?"
Besides, Colbert concluded his speech, "We brought this on ourselves: we voted for the idiots who voted for the Patriot Act and we elected President Obama-not once, but twice."