Written by Al N.
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Saturday, 1 March 2014

image for Kirstie Alley Joins International Federation of Competitive Eating
Ms. Alley was eating a "small snack" while talking to the press.

Hollywood, CA In news that will take no one by surprise, cultie Kirstie Alley has announced that she is no longer going to try to fake not being fat. In embracing her fatness, Ms. Alley is joining the International Federation of Competitive Eating in order to win some prizes for her gluttony.

"I can out-eat any of those amateurs" 'Fat Actress' Alley was overheard saying. "Why, with my super-powers, those other pikers don't stand a chance. With my OT abilities, I can scarf down a whole cow in minutes!"

Kirstie's buddy Leah Remini remarked, "I think she meant bull instead of cow. Kirstie is known as a self-professed expert on bullshit."

A statement read, "Ms. Remini is just trying to get more publicity in her own suppressive manner. We suggest she beg the church's forgiveness, and then come to the closest org with a lot of money and GET BACK ON COURSE."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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