Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 28 February 2014

image for American Idol Sends The Season's First Singer Packing
The first singer to be eliminated was told by Ryan she can keep the microphone so that she can practice.

HOLLYWOOD - Well Mariah Carey is gone from American Idol and so is Nicki "The Clown" Minaj and Randy "The Dawg" Jackson sort of.

Jackson has moved up from being an American Idol judge to being an American Idol mentor, which means that what he does now is basically tell the contestants to pronounce their lyrics, don't be nervous, and look at the judges, the audience, the cameras, but not at Ryan "Peaches" Seacrest who is off to the side.

The contestants were whittled down from a baker's dozen to simply a dozen.

The dreaded Bottom 3 was occupied by Kristen "Smiley" O'Connor, Malaya "Tuba Girl" Watson, and MK "Lizzy" Nobilette.

Everyone had been wondering where oh where last year's winner Candice Glover had gone. Well she ended up making an appearance on the show and the girl looked like she'd had a few burgers too many, but like they say the color black does have a way of making people look like they're not as fat as they are.

Candice who has a powerful voice sang two unmemorable songs. The other pro performer of the evening was England's Jake Bugg whose British accent was so bad that American Idol had to put subtitles up on the screen as he sang his unmemorable song.

Jennifer Lopez and Harry Connick Jr., could both be heard whispering "And who the heck is he?"

Keith Urban knew who he was because he had seen him once having a #3 Taco Plate Dinner at a Giggling Guacamole Mexican Restaurant in Nashville.

When Ryan called for the lights to be dimmed someone hit the wrong button because the whole auditorium went black for about 2 seconds.

Then Kristen O'Connor sang for her life as Seacrest likes to say to make it sound more exciting than it actually is.

O'Connor was so nervous she forgot about 11 of the words and 17 of the notes, but it did not matter because everyone knew that she was going home since the judges never use their Save Card this early in the season.

They prefer to wait it out to prevent another big embarrassing mistake like when Pia Toscano, who was by far the best singer in her group, was eliminated early on in the competition.

SIDENOTE: Harry Connick, Jr., did the Goodbye honors telling 24-year-old Kristen O'Connor that the judges decision is final and crying although allowed is not recommended.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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