New York, NY -- On Saturday, November 4, an internet blogging site posted dozens of confidential medical documents stolen from the Fox News network's corporate offices. The documents reveal shocking facts about the physical health of the Fox News team, and raise serious doubts about their ability to perform at the elite level of journalism.
The most alarming revelations came from the files of prime time Fox anchor Shepard Smith. A review of Smith's neurological history reads like a Stephen King horror novel. It turns out that Smith's characteristic stutter and general incoherence can be traced to an incident in 1992, when he was a fledgling reporter for a station in Dallas, TX. While on assignment shooting a story about the KKK, Smith was attacked and bitten by a white-supremacist's rabid pit bull. He became infected, and nearly died from the oft-fatal disease.
Smith survived, but the majority of his brain was eaten alive. Nevertheless, friends and relatives convinced Shep that he could still fulfill his dream of becoming a network news anchor. He was hired by Fox in 1996, and today is host of the prime-time news block, The Fox Report.
Last year, Shep's trademark verbal bumbling landed Fox in legal hot water, when he mistakenly referred to Bishop Theophilus, the Patriarch of Jerusalem, as "Pedophilus, the Matriarch of Methuselah." Fox News President and CEO Roger Ailes decided enough was enough, and ordered Smith to undergo a full neurological examination. A routine CAT-scan revealed that Smith's brain is riddled with more holes than a slice of swiss cheese.
Doctors informed Ailes that the only way to improve Smith's speech was to perform a frontal lobotomy. They cautioned Ailes that this would permanently destroy Smith's remaining higher mental functions, to which Ailes replied, "So what? This will only make Shep's job easier."
Another Fox News personality to be plagued by serious medical ills is Bill O' Reilly, who has suffered for years from an extraordinary case of genital elephantitis. Side effects of the disease include massive swelling of the testicles, raging libido, irritability, and uncontrollable rage. Some believe this may account for O' Reilly's rancorous on-air persona. Others say it explains why O' Reilly has always appeared on television behind the confines of a desk.
A major shock was found in the file of prime time host and legal analyst Greta van Susteren, who underwent gender-altering surgery in 1989. Born with the moniker Jani Lane, the person who would become Greta first achieved stardom in the 80's as lead singer of the pop-metal band Warrant, most notably reaching the top-40 with the metaphoric sex ballad, "Cherry Pie." But Warrant's success quickly fizzled, and Jani spiraled into a gender-identity crisis. In private therapy sessions, he confessed that he wrote Cherry Pie to convey his own deep-seeded yearning to have a vagina.
Jani's confusion may have manifested from his obsession with actress Melanie Griffith. He said of Griffith's performance in the film "Working Girl", "She embodied everything I wanted to be, but never was: self-assured, smart, professional, and possessing a vagina. Also, she made that movie 'Cherry 2000', so I thought -- Cherry Pie, Cherry 2000 -- it must be, like, a sign from God."
He decided that God's plan was for him to leave rock and roll, and become a female lawyer. Jani/Greta went on to become one of the country's most noted defense attorneys, and achieved widespread fame as a talking head on the O.J. Simpson case. It's not clear what affect if any this revelation will have on van Susteren's status with Fox, but most agree that Jani/Greta's surgery in 1989 did greatly improve his/her physical appearance.
Other Fox Team members to be part of the medical freak show are:
Brit Hume, whose chronic constipation was once so severe that traces of feces were found in his ear wax;
Charles Krauthammer, whose veins are filled not with blood, but a black, flammable liquid that mysteriously powers a variety of machinery;
Fred Barnes, who suffers from a rare proctological ailment known only as a "puckered a**hole";
and Roger Ailes, whose heart was surgically removed in 2001 and replaced with a Bush bobble-head doll.