LOS ANGELES-- In the most shocking spat of bloodshed to hit "Tinseltown" since Mickey Rourke's last plastic surgery, dozens of prominent Hollywood players have been savagely murdered in the past week. The list of victims includes director Michael Bay ("Armageddon," "Pearl Harbor"), countless studio executives whose names are recognized by no one, and Demi Moore's boyfriend Ashton Kutcher. Incredibly, investigations by police have led them to the doorstep of a critically-acclaimed film actor.
Bruce Campbell, 46, was interviewed on Thursday by the LAPD under suspicion of multiple homicides. Campbell, best known for his starring role in Sam Raimi's "Evil Dead" trilogy, did not deny his involvement in the murders, but rather defended them as part of his "uncompromising" campaign to improve the quality of Hollywood films.
Last week, while in Seattle, WA promoting his new book "Make Love the Bruce Campbell Way", Campbell announced that he and his legion of devoted followers had composed a plan to "persuade" big studio executives to stop shoving hackneyed and worthless films down moviegoers throats. He called the plan "The Army of Darkness' War on Mediocrity".
"We're going to take out the trash and use it as kindling", Campbell said in a Clint Eastwood deadpan. Unfortunately, no one took his words to be literal.
The body of Bay was discovered in pieces, stuffed in a plastic bag and frozen in his Frigidaire. On the torso, one word had been carved: "Groovy". Security cameras in Bay's home captured Campbell ripping the director to shreds with his bare hands, then making out with several of his female fans while uttering such witticisms as "Give me some sugar, baby", and "Yo, she-b*tch...let's go".
Others to fall under Campbell's "uncompromising" rampage include Joel Schumacher (director of "Batman Returns", and "Dying Young"), Scientology spokesperson Tom Cruise, and the aforementioned Kutcher, whose lanky body had somehow been slamdunked through a basketball hoop.
Dozens of Hollywood stars, directors, producers, and power brokers are now under the constant guard of impermeable security forces. Star Wars creator George Lucas has been hurried to an underground bunker encased in 7 feet of limestone after Campbell called him a "sellout" and a "hairless Ewok".
Although Campbell has admitted to the carnage, no formal charges have been filed against him. When asked to explain this, Deputy Detective Harold Schuman replied, "We're not sure yet that he's actually committed a crime. Did you see 'Pearl Harbor'"?