NEW YAWK -- Anderson Cooper, Rachel Maddox, Harvey Levin, gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transvestites, transsexuals, and 99.99 percent of the rest of the American public are celebrating after sexist, anti-Semitic, racist, homophobic bigot Alex Baldwin, 55, announced his retirement from "public life," declaring, in what was first considered a possible suicide threat, "I can't go on anymore."
"I loathe and despise humanity," he complained in a recent diatribe, "in a way I did not think possible."
He excludes only two people from his "hatred": himself and, for the time being, his fiancee, yoga master and comedienne extraordinaire, Hilarious Thomas.
He denied that he is homophobic, despite his many slurs against gay men. "I'm in show business, for crying out loud! I bathe with these perverted freaks!'
Baldwin also says he has refrained from speaking out at gay rights protests and actually managed not to puke after kissing Russell Brand in an episode of Rock Hard for Ages. "Hey! The script required it!" he insisted.
He confessed that he once lived for his audience's acclaim, "but not anymore." Now, he says, "they can all go to hell. I'm retired."
"Good riddance," Cooper said at the champagne party he attended in celebration of Baldwin's retirement. "I hope he and Hilarious will be as happy together as the rest of the world is happy he's gone."