Written by Gee Pee
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Saturday, 22 February 2014

HOLLYWEIRD, CA -- Henrik received a standing ovulation--uh, ovation--when he unveiled the new look of the Academy Award-winning Academy Award trophy, Oscar, which he has "fully restored" to the sculpture's original state, adding the penis that the figurine lost over fifty years ago.

"Before the studios emasculated him," Henrik says, "Oscar was well-endowed, as he is, once again."

"He was intact," Cheryl Boone Isaacs, president of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (AMPAS) confirms, "and, now, he's even more virile than ever, thanks to Henrik."

Some critics say that Oscar may be a little too well endowed.

Academy Award-winning actress Jodie Foster says she "resents" the addition of the "appendage": "As a lesbian, I wouldn't appreciate having a male appendage staring me in the face, as Oscar leers at me from my mantlepiece," she says, "a reminder of the sexist, hetero-centrist patriarchy I'm forced to live in."

Others are delighted by Oscar's ithyphallic state. "I'm excited he's so excited," declares Julia Roberts, also an Academy Award-winning actress. "I am going to ask that my Oscar be retrofitted with an erection."

Henrik modeled Oscar's "organ" upon the penis of Daniel Arthur Mead, a porn star who "acted" under the stage name of Long Dong Silver. Mead's penis measures eighteen inches--no lie--and that's when it's flaccid! Oscar's organ of copulation is proportionately the same size. The statue itself is 13.5 inches tall; its erection is 3.375 inches, exactly. "That doesn't sound like much," Henrik admits, "but, relatively speaking, it's about one-fourth as long as the entire figure is tall."

Like the statue itself, Oscar's phallus is made of gold-plated britannium, and its presence (pearl testicles included) adds approximately 2.125 pounds to the 8.5-pound statue, making its total weight 10.625 ounces.

"I'd be proud to have Oscar, penis and all," says Sarah Michelle Gellar, who has yet to add the award to her acting prizes. "To hold him in my hands--well, it would be a fantasy come true!"

Gay actors applaud the "balls" of the AMPAS officials. "It's about time Oscar was anatomically correct," Neil Patrick Harris gushed. "It gives me something to work toward. I'd love to have Oscar 'standing' alongside my Enema Awards."

Heterosexual actors are not quite as enthused. "It would be different if Oscar was a woman, or even a tranny," Danny Bonaduce says, "but who wants a statue, gold-plated or not, with a hard-on in his living room--or, worse yet--his bedroom?"

The categories for which Oscar is awarded change periodically, but, currently, actors can win an Oscar for either Best Actor in a Leading Role or Best Actor in a Supporting Role, and actresses can take Oscar home with them for winning Best Actress in the same roles. Others in the film business also have a chance to make Oscar their own, as the award is given for such categories, among others, as film, design, makeup and hairstyling, production, screenplay.

"Don't worry," Henrik assures everyone, "there will be plenty of Oscar to go around!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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