Written by King David
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Saturday, 4 November 2006

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Mr. Bean Playing "The Numbers"

LONDON-Sources say that the lovable enigma, Mr. Bean joined a dating service yesterday in a move to improve his love life and "stir things up a bit." It was reported that the mysterious man joined Wretch.com because he had grown tired of the single life and was now ready for a relationship. Sources who know Mr. Bean say that he has not had a relationship with a woman for over 14 years and is tired of using his right hand. Bean had no comment.

Mr. Bean, a rather odd and paradoxical character, has been suspected as being alien for many years (since episode two-1992), but DNA tests have not proven otherwise.

"It seems rather fitting that he would choose cyber-space as the place to look for his next victim," said former girlfriend, Irma Gobb. "That man is not right! The only thing that is seeing any action with him is his car and his right hand!"

It is reported that the mechanically fixated Mr. Bean loves to drive his lime green Austin Mini and once wrote a song called "Rental Car" about a rental car that he was driving while his Austin was in the shop.

You could seduce me into a heap of shameful debt
Your lines could reduce me
Into doing something I may regret
When I take you for a drive on the town
It's hard to resist your siren song is such a sweet sound
Though you're loaded and I'm not that's ok
I'll just enjoy taking advantage of you for the day
Though you're leaving and I know we'll have to part
You got a sister hangin' out on the lot.

It was also reported that Bean keeps a light blue, Reliant Regal Super Van for blowing up.

The dating service, Wretch.com is designed to accentuate one's positive qualities and communicate what you are looking for in a mate. Critics say about on-line dating services that the "comodification of love" takes all the mystery out of the mating process.

"You're removing God and the chance that you would run into somebody as an act of grace," pastor Jim Fever, chairman of the Board of Broken Boundaries said.

But skeptics argue, "How is that any different than what's already practiced in society? Everything is for sale," they argued, including love. Besides how in the world is a peculiar man like Bean going to find that one, special person in the whole wide world?" a spokesman for the Society of Love Skeptics, SOL (Shit out of Love)added.

..(chorus) Around this town we'll go
some roads fast, some roads slow
we'll never have to go that far
to find the backseat of somebody's car

I could take you to my Teddy bear friend
He'd fall in love and wanna go for a spin
I could take you to the drive-in some night
And park you somewhere out of the light
I could buff you and make your chrome shine
And blow your engine out when we're on a ride
You could hold me and contain me like a friend
And when you're low I could fill you up again


Bean is a shy man without many words and it is reported he left his profile blank on the application form. He told us that he hoped that name recognition would help him here. When asked what kind of woman he was looking for, Bean simply shrugged his shoulders and then blurted, "someone who would like to take it in the ass." These were the first words Mr. Bean has ever been reported as saying.

Mr. Bean listed hobbies such as tennis, inventing lock systems and cars. His favorite TV shows were: The Benny Hill Show and Star Trek and Martian Chronicals. Favorite books were: Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus; The Outsiders and Gone With The Wind. Favorite Movies: Alien and Woody Allen's-Bananas. Favorite Musicians: David Bowie and the London Symphony; Any pets? Fleas.

When asked about what his ideal first date would be like. Mr. Bean wrote the phrases, "go for a swim, take a nap, or go see a pantomime."

So far, when asked if he had gotten any hits from women, Mr. Bean says that several chicks from other galaxies have expressed interest, but none on this planet. Except this one chick from Amsterdam who said that she was into black leather and S&M and that she wanted to tie him down and give him a golden shower.

Bean currently lives alone in his Highbury flat in North London and works as a locksmith for Full Monty Enterprises.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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