Midwest, An attempt by annoying pop sensation Justin Bieber to become the first person to jump from an airplane and successfully land safely WITHOUT the use of a parachute has ended in disaster with hospital staff ruling out any possible public comeback "for at least 30 years".
Bieber's latest, desperate attempt to reinvent himself saw him skydive from an airplane over Salt Lake City Utah (where he has the most fans). His plan was to BOUNCE off the ground into some nearby trees to break his fall.
Hollywood stunt expert :"I don't know who advised him on this but they've sabotaged his whole career. His injuries are so extensive he may never annoy the public again."
Bieber's stunt also highlights the phenomenon of idiots from sheltered Christian backgrounds who become overnight sensations then engage in Jackass-inspired acts of public disorder, self-harm and wrong-headed mayhem to boost their waning popularity. Many lack the intelligence to cope with broader cultural realities.
Doctor, Utah : " Yeah, i agree. You hear of parachutes failing to open but Bieber must have focused on the ludicrously small number of incidences where there's fluke survival and used it as his guiding rationale. The..eh..Gods clearly weren't on his side this time round."