Written by Samuel Vargo
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Saturday, 15 February 2014

image for Gene Simmons and Mick Jagger go on record to declare they are not gay

LAS VEGAS, Nevada - KISS bassist Gene Simmons and Rolling Stones lead singer Mick Jagger have gone on record to declare to the world that they are not gay and that they are proud heterosexuals. Simmons, who said he's slept with 4,897 women, and Jagger, who's slept with more than 4,000 women, have never had their heterosexuality questioned, but still, they want to make it perfectly clear that they are not gay.

"With all this hoopla and these professional athletes going on record admitting they're gay, Gene and I just wanted to yell out to the world that hey everyone, hey all, we're not gay. We're straight as two dusty old two-by-fours," Jagger said.

Simmons and Jagger held a joint press conference at Cheetahs Gentlemen's Club in Las Vegas, even though neither of the rock stars have ever darkened the doors of the place before Saturday night, the day of their little dog and pony show declaring to the world their heterosexuality.

"I never needed to visit a strip club. I'm a walking, talking, breathing strip club. When I'm on stage doing my thing, women strip in front of me in the audience. Why would I ever want to go to a strip club?" Jagger admitted.

Meantime, Simmons, who was snacking on a prawn shrimp and a nugget of pepper jack cheese he picked up from the hors d'oeuvres bar at Cheetahs, admitted that oftentimes when he slept with women, he did it because he simply felt sorry for them.

"Women throw themselves at me," Simmons said. "They look at me like I'm a piece of meat. They're all lacking in something and I've always thought I'd provide some sort of remedy for this, but I've come to realize that these women are really messed up and I've stopped being so generous with my love giving. They're actually very pathetic creatures.

"And I'm being very selective in my use of adjectives here, at this dog and pony show. They are pathetic and using the noun 'creatures' is a good word to describe these beasts. No amount of Gene Simmons can save them. I'm no sexual savior, no, no, not at all. I've become a bit more selective in choosing sleeping partners in the present and the immediate near past. I'm looking at more intellectual and spiritual qualities in my current and recent-past sexual conquests," Simmons said.

Meantime, Jagger, whose sexual meter of female conquests stopped ticking at the walloping amount of 4,000, admitted that this is a conservative figure and the true statistic might actually be twice this sum.

"I'm a little sick of it all," Jagger admitted. "If I were to say I've had a lifelong significant other, it would most likely be Keith Richards, but believe me, it's been totally platonic through and through. There's nothing about men that I like in the sexual sense but being that we've led the band for scores of years, Keith's my only near and dear, true, lifelong friend. Charlie Watts and Ron Wood come in a close second and third, but Keith's always been my number one bloke," Jagger said.

Richards was not present at the press event, however, and he could not be reached for comment. Numerous phone calls to his personal mobile remained unanswered and unreturned at press time. Jagger said Keith most likely was enjoying some refreshing alcoholic beverages with some other friends, or by himself, and simply did not want to tie himself up by squawking on a telephone to some harebrained reporter about topic of heterosexuality.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm not against other rock stars coming out of the closet as being gay, and some of them, like Elton John, never were in the closet to begin with; but I wanted to make sure I appeared at this press event to shout out to the world that I'm not gay, I'm a very happy, content, and proud heterosexual," Jagger admitted.

Simmons, who had his arm around Jagger by this time and gave Mick a quick peck on the cheek out of utter silliness and facetiousness, said plain old ordinary heterosexuality has taken a real slam lately. It's almost become stodgy and old fashioned - unhip, unslick, and uncool, he admitted.

"Hey, there's nothing wrong with heterosexuality," Simmons said. "It's almost become some archaic standard and it's somehow evil to admit you're strictly heterosexual, but my little buddy here and I want to let the world know that there's nothing wrong with being totally straight. I'm hardly and theologian - and I'm not going to speak from some spiritual or religious hilltop about this matter.

"Honestly, I don't think being gay is evil, but hey, neither is being a practicing and prolific heterosexual, as Mick and I have been since we've recorded our first hit records. You are what you are. I'm just an old bass player with an extremely long tongue - but I want all my young fans to know that there's nothing wrong with being straight. Be strong, be proud, be a bastion for your own heterosexuality. Don't hide in some dark closet because you're 100 percent straight."

"Yeah, young-uns, don't go there. Spot on, Gene, spot on" Jagger said, then went to the snack bar to get a dish of ice cream.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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