London - The daft old children's story thief said today she regretted her part in marrying off Kate Middleton to royal ugly bug Prince William after noticing the constant bulge in Big Dave Cameron's pants.
"Dave's still got the hots for Kate, the daft sod," Rowling told reporters, "despite saddling her with the baby that's become Justin Bieber."
So what went so badly wrong with the plot that David 'Harry Potter' Cameron ended up marrying Middleton's older sister Samantha 'Ginny Weasley' Sheffield?
"Uh, autistic - uh, artistic! - licence, I guess," the plagiarist replied, "plus Dave's still shit scared of Carole Middleton since humping her in a Tesco parking lot near Bognor Regis circa 1991."
And William, is he really hexed as the Harry Potter stories suggest?
"My darling son may be going bald and losing his marbles learning to be a farmer," Rowling replied, "but he's got his offshore bank accounts to thank me for."
Zara Philips, William's twin sister, has just farrowed a 10lb5oz pup.