Written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw
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Saturday, 25 January 2014

In the wake of teenage clit-throb Justus Beaver's arrest under section 119a of Florida's Motor Vehicle Act, specifically, "...care and control of a motor vehicle while under narcissistic delusions of grandeur and self-importance...", his agent, Mony Gruber, held a press conference in his home town.

She insisted that this arrest was part of a plan to cultivate a 'bad boy' image to revive his fagging career.

"Think of Jerry Lee Lewis, Jim Morrison, Alice Cooper, or Ozzy Osbourne", she said. "Each of these musicians' careers received an incredible boost from the 'bad boy' image that they cultivated on and off stage."

She proceeded to say that Beaver will receive a jailhouse tattoo, even if he is acquitted of all charges. On every concert of his upcoming tour, he will bite the head off a live bat on stage, and will shag an underage fan in the back of the tour bus after each concert. His writers are currently working on a song called "Colder Ethel", the lyrics of which suggest a sexual relationship between the singer and an underage frozen corpse.

In addition, she is consulting with a professor of German grammar, Ludwig von Arschgas, over the most authentic placement of umlauts over Beaver's name.

"Also," she added, "Beaver is in the process of acquiring a secluded ranch where he plans to meet with pre-teen male fans over milk and cookies."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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