Written by BrunetteGirl xxx
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Friday, 17 January 2014

image for Lee Ryan Is Not A Player!
Lee Ryan posing for his new calendar!

Boy band member of Blue, unprofessional shagger and bimbo Lee Ryan is currently proving to be this year's most sleazy and controversial contestant of Celebrity Big Brother 2014. Lee has been in the most famous house in Britain for a fair few weeks now and has been kicking up a huge fuss for viewers over his favourite topic women of course!

Lee had been debating over which female contestant he preferred out of models Casey Batchelor and Jasmine Waltz, sadly Lionel Blair didn't get a look in! After clearly making obvious advances to both girls, he then decided it was Jasmine he had the hots for and bluntly told Casey straight that he never promised her anything and could do what he wanted. After chants of 'Get Lee out' from the eviction crowd, Lee who burst into tears insisted he is SICK of the way he is being perceived and is being made to look a PLAYER which he ISN'T. Hmmm we'll be the judge of that…

Firstly Lee entered the house handcuffed to Casey. Then after some flirty banter and bonding time he admitted he liked her. He even asked Casey 'how big are your boobs cause they are huge, I love a good pair of boobs' then when they retreated to their shared bed Lee was enjoying it that much he took his pants off (and we can confirm this after seeing the video evidence in an episode of Big Brother). Within a day, Lee decided it was Jasmine he now wanted and they ended up having a bonk in a grotty spaceship toilet in front of comedienne Jim Davidson!

An upset Casey who felt she'd been played confronted Lee who admitted he wanted Jasmine even though he had previously told Casey that he "wants to make a go of it with you and there is more to it than just a house relationship you know there is". He also said that he had never insisted there was anything real going on between them and that they should cool things. But after snogging her in bed and then running to the toilet with his little wanker in his hand, you can't blame the poor girl for thinking he had it bad for her!

After both girls realised he had been spinning different stories to them both, they turned on him and called him a 'player'. Lee insisted that he had to speak to Jasmine to explain a few things but it's clear he didn't need to bother as his impulsive or rather repulsive behaviour had already spoken for him. Lee who had been outed, threw his toys out the pram and shouted that he was "pissed off with the way I am being treated, it's just pushing me to the limit if you wanna keep pushing me, keep f*cking pushing me you want to anyway". Ok Lee if you insist...

With a shady sexual history that involves cheating on Atomic Kitten's Liz McClarnon with a lapdancer, having threesomes on pool tables with fans and crashing a car after racing between two different lovers, we find it difficult to view Lee as anything other than a PLAYER! But he is adamant he isn't one and that he is a 'nice guy'. However not one to mince his words, he admitted that spending time alone in the Big Brother living room with journalist Liz Jones who just sat there with a blank face and made huffing noises at him was the "worst experience of my life". Really Lee, we thought it would have been when you were thrown out of Sir Richard Branson's roof top birthday party because you were being such a nuisance!

Eventually an immature Lee, who makes Dappy look like the kind you'd take home to meet mum, sat in the diary room and had a huge meltdown venting his frustration at an easy target Big Brother who the ungrateful plonker had forgotten will be providing his fat fee at the end of the series. "I'm getting sick of isolation, its f*cking with my head and I've been in isolation since I f*cking got here" well yes Lee that is the whole idea of Big Brother you prat. He then clapped Big Brother "Whatever you're doing is working, well done I bow down and f*ck to you" why thank you I'd rather that then fuck with you!

"Your making me go f*cking mad, it's been so f*cking stressful and I'm trying to hold it together and it's hard it's just SO hard" eww too much information.

"I'm sitting there with Casey looking at Jasmine and it's the biggest head fuck going my mind is just ticking and ticking" yeah it's really difficult wanting your cake and eating it tick tock tick tock.

Then it suddenly dawned on Lee that he might in actual fact BE a player and he started smacking his head "fuck, fuck, fuck". But hey Lee still insists that he is NOT a player!

We suggest Big Brother chucks him permanently in Big Brother's Bolt Hole with a hard hitting message of how many years he can expect to serve in there "One for the money and the free rides, it's two for the lie that you denied ALL RISE".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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