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Thursday, 16 January 2014

image for Walt Disney Thawed to Serve Jury Duty on Will Smith Spree Killing Case

Hard pressed to find a 12th U.S. citizen to serve on the jury for actor Will Smith's murder trial, the Supreme Court is enacting a wild card protocol which will see beloved animator Walt Disney thawed from cryogenic freeze to serve as the final juror.

This decision comes on the heels of a much publicized killing spree that left 14 Florida residents dead and several more injured last Tuesday, as Smith, 45, embarked on a murderous rampage along the Florida coastline in a rented station wagon armed with a high-powered military grade assault rifle.

"Honestly, we're just lucky that we even found 11 people in this country who didn't know who Will Smith is," said Jason Wertham, District Attorney for the prosecution. "It was sickening to hear how many people cited Hancock during the selection process," he then added before ruminating about how poetic it is that the celebrity-turned-gunman is most known for that 2008 pile of shit. "When it came down to it, Walt was our only clear option."

Disney, the American film legend and idol to billions, has been held in stasis since his death in 1966, decades before Smith's career-defining turn on "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air." This is all set to change in the coming week, when preparations will go underway to deliver him safely into the 21st century to sit on the bench for the murder trial.

"We'll do everything we can to make sure he's given the proper rehabilitation so this isn't too much of a shock to his system," said interior decorator Shannon Nielsen, who at the time of interview was busy recreating the psychedelic set of 1997's "Austin Powers" inside Disney's court-appointed hotel room. "We've taken every precaution, right down to the felt wallpaper and cocaine-concealing jewelry, to make him feel at home. It's gonna be groovy!"

Sources were tight-lipped on whether Disney would be returned to cryogenic stasis or allowed to live out the rest of his days on his Georgia farmland surrounded by singing blue jays and happy slaves. However, when pressed for information on what would have been done if they had failed to find any jurors for the trial, Wertham revealed that there was always a plan.

"Cary Grant, James Dean, President Kennedy... we've been stockpiling these guys for an event just like this," he said. "Hell, if it came down to it, we'd probably even thaw out John Wayne," he squee'd with glint of boyish cheer in his eyes. "We're all big fans of the Duke down at the office, y'know. But as cool as it would be to tell my cousin I got to meet him, we all figured it would be more respectful to just let the man rest in peace."

The Smith case is set to go to court on March 14.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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