Santa has forgotten to deliver his presents this year because his reindeer, Rudolph, went AWOL, so instead of hitching up his reserve reindeer called Reginald, he also went AWOL.
Millions of crying kids waiting for Santa to appear with his sack of goodies are being comforted by distraught parents who are offering a Big Mac visit in the pouring rain plus a Coke.
McDonalds, smelling a great opportunity are chaining their staff to the ovens and tills to cope with an invasion of little horrors and that is only the parents.
Meanwhile, Santa has been spotted sunning himself in Hawaii, and a local Polynesian beauty disguised as a reporter dressed in a Hula hula skirt and pitching a Cuba Libra, asked Santa if he felt sorry for all of the upset kids and he answered, "no, sod off or strip it!"
Next year, Santa has been offered a position in Siberia by Alexander Putin in handcuffs and he accepted as long as Pussy Riot are appearing at the same institute dead or alive.
Rudolph was also spotted hoof in hoof with Reginald in Lapdancingland singing a camp version of Wham's "Last Christmas I gave you my Bullocks (or horns, but that doesn't rhyme)!"
More as we sledge it..