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Sunday, 8 December 2013

image for Pantomime dames on verge of extinction
British theatre-goers often have to put up with dame-dung on their seats

The International Listers of Animal Rarifications and Disappearances (ILARD) have added another species to their list of endangered animals - the pantomime dame. Once prolific throughout theatres and auditoria throughout Britain, the dame is now in a critical state, with as few as two breeding pairs left.

The pantomime dame is notable for its garish makeup, its archaically styled transvestitism and its endearingly camp mating call. Due to the nature of the animal, it is almost impossible to sex, but most are believed to be male. This may partly explain the falling numbers, but notable pantomime biologist David O'Noitisnt said that the environment has become increasingly hostile towards these sensitive and hysterical creatures.

"The dame thrives on a diet of attention and bitchiness, which modern audiences are increasingly unable or unwilling to supply. In contrast, the pantomime reality show contestant has been breeding rapidly and very soon may need to be culled."

Mr O'Noitisnt is releasing a documentary to highlight the plight of the dames. In his film, entitled "The Twitching Corpse of Widow Twanky", he follows one of the best known dames Christopher Biggins as he tries in vain to mate with his partner of many years, seemingly unaware that such a pairing will never succeed.

In one moving scene of the film, we see an incident which highlights the difficulties that pantomime dames have in reproducing. The couple are attempting to mate and Biggins is in position, ready for his partner. As he approaches, cameraman Mr O'Noitisnt involuntarily shouts out "he's behind you", leading the pair to awkwardly abandon the depraved act.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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