Written by Backandtotheleft
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Thursday, 28 November 2013

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A tiral involving bears and chainsaws will be used in the next series

As the relentless reality TV juggernaut "I'm A Celebrity...." rumbles through its 550th series (we assume) Back and to the Left news feels two things. One: Utter revulsion at the fact that ITV have allowed a man with obvious mental health issues appear on TV and be mocked for not been able to tell the time and Two: Contestants backing out of "trials" on medical grounds.

The contestants must realise that this is not a conventional game show but a TV survival of the fittest with the winner getting their own TV presenting slot (regardless of ability). Backing out of "trials" will not get you a slot on Loose Women!

BATTL news has decided to give the producers of "I'm A Celebrity" a hand by coming up with a couple of ideas that contestants cant back out of.

Night Of The Scorpions: At around four in the morning on one of the darker nights thousands of scorpions are to released into the campsite. They will fall from the sky and there will be no option to hide only flee! The scorpions are to be made up of the four most poisonous types in the world to increase the tension. And death.

Booby Trapped Food: Starve the contestants for a couple of days before depositing a large bucket of KFC on the edge of the camp. Surround the bucket with Indianna Jones style traps and let the contestants "vote" themselves off.

Save Your Loved Ones! A trial where the luckiest contestants get to see their loved ones, suspended above a swamp filled with "Alligatoarks" (these are alligators bred with sharks to produce the world's most awesomely named killing machine). The contestants are then given a selection of weapons (all locally sourced) and they must incapacitate their opponent enough so they can reach the button to stop their beloved falling in.

Of course this final event doesn't encourage contestants to kill each other they will be told they can only strike to incapacitate. Thus meaning that the other starving campmates might just be tempted into cannibalism a little sooner once they see one of their number hobbling around.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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