The Vatican - Faced with rising legal costs and shrinking contributions, the Catholic Church is jumping into the lucrative reality TV segment with an unscripted show that features the Son of God.
"Our initial offering will be a how-to reality-based series called Fish on Friday. It is built around re-created scenes from the Lord's life in which he demonstrates his skills as a fisherman," a Vatican spokesman said.
A promotional trailer for Fish on Friday presented the historical emphasis of the program: "'Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men,' Jesus would often say to his fishing buddies, the apostles. He would amuse them with magic tricks, which He later upgraded to miracles, as He tightened up his act."
The Pope is putting his infallible powers behind the project. "They didn't name it the Dead Sea for nothing," said Pope Francis in green-lighting the reality series. "Jesus had to be a master fisherman to make a living in that puddle. We will explore that divine struggle."
A brief interview with Jesus was conducted on location. "I'm looking forward to getting back on the water. I'll be using my Fishin' With Jesus Miracle Lures so it's a sure bet. A $19.98 value, we will be doubling the offer during the show. That's two sets of Miracle Lures for the price of one. Just pay shipping and handling. They may be miracles, but they're not going to walk into your mailbox."
When a reporter pointed out that the apostles used nets, not lures, Jesus turned him into a good-sized striped bass. "Swim around a while. Perhaps you can tell us which you prefer. Now if you'll excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I've got to change into a different halo for the next scene."
The first Pope, Simon Peter, was also on hand. "What can you say about Jesus that hasn't been said already? The guy has the uncanny ability to know what the fish are thinking," he said. "So he's always a step ahead of them. I remember one night coming home with an empty hold. He ordered me to turn around and lower the nets.
"I told him 'Master, we toiled all night and took nothing! But at your word I will let down the nets.' And when we had done this, we enclosed a large number of fish, and our nets were breaking. That was the night God invented sashimi."
Fish on Friday premieres on Friday nights on the Catholic Channel. "It's like I've always said," quoth the Lord. "Give a man a fish and you will satisfy him for just a day. But give a man a reality, how-to television series, and you'll kick Hawaii Five-O right in the coconuts."