Written by Auntie Matter
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Friday, 15 November 2013

image for MI6 Spy Voted "Most Original Suicide."
Mr. Williams buying Holdall at Woolworths.

Magazine DONTGIFFAFUCK" has voted MI6 death of 2010 the "most original suicide of the decade". The verdict of suicide has just been announced.

"The MI6 worker's naked body was found in a padlocked holdall at his London flat in August, 2010" (Daily Star).

Metropolitan Police Anti-Terrorist Inspector Clarence Mason stated; "the death was a tragic accident". MI6 spokesman Hiss L. Izzard said that the USBs they had confiscated during the enquiry had "nothing whatever to do with Mr. Gareth William's tragic misadventure. Will conspiracy theorists ever get it through their thick heads.." he added angrily, " that they are always wrong? Why the hell do you suppose we invented the phrase "conspiracy theory" in the first place? Mr. Williams quite clearly stripped off and climbed into the bag, pulled the zip over his head and discovered much later that he was too weak to break his way out of the thin fabric of the bag, however hard he tried even though he was a young man and a trained combatant. Case closed. Just because he was a spy involved in governmental conspiracies does not mean we have to listen to conspiracy theorists."

When asked why exactly Mr. Williams, a man renowned for his fitness and intelligence, chose to do such a dumb thing, and how he had managed to padlock the holdall from the inside, Mr. Izzard replied that he refused to "say another word, until we have consulted with our Grand Master."

A key to a locker at Waterloo Station had also disappeared during the inquiry, as had the coroner's report and the aforementioned memory sticks.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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