Written by Colorado Joe
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Saturday, 2 November 2013

Hollywood-The latest trend coming out of Hollywood-if it could be called that-the remake of old television shows, movies and remakes of old television shows and remakes of old movies such as Fame, The Wizard of Oz, Star Trek, Wonder Woman and Remington Steele is spurring rumors about the ultimate remake: A movie based on the Lawrence Welk show.

This movie, which is currently in development by a group of Geritol-, Sominex- and Serutan-imbibing screenwriters will be a "hybrid between that classic movie about Woodstock and a rags-to-riches story about how an accordion player of modest means" from North Dakota made it big and kitschy on the West Coast.

According to one of the screenwriters, Ida No Watudoo, this story will open up with the young accordion player storming out of his sod house at the age of 21 with just a few bucks and an accordion. It is rumored that the young Lawrence Welk will be played by either Justin Bieber or Leonardo DiCaprio. Watudoo did say that he would learn how to speak heavy German from former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who would play the middle-aged Welk on the verge of stardom.

Welk in his later years would be played by either Dustin Hoffman, Michael Douglas or Warren Beatty. According to Watudoo, they all have the years, the wrinkles and the hair necessary for it. "And if they need to learn how to play the accordion, we can arrange for them to take lessons as the Lawrence Welk resorts in Escondido, California or in Branson Missouri."

Watudoo noted that George Clooney was being considered for the role of Myron Floren, Welk's accordion player who was better than Welk; Meg Ryan would play Norma Zimmer, Welk's last Champagne Lady, Julia Roberts would play Mary Lou Metzger (who would have to take dance steps in order to dance with whomever played Welk) and the Spice Girls would play the Lennon Sisters. Two of the Spice Girls would play the Aldridge Sisters with the duet of Nelson playing the Otwell Twins. George Clooney and Sissy Spacek would play Guy Hovis and Ralna English.

Any behind-the-scenes problems will be kept to a minimum. "This won't be a tell-all, poison-pen type of biography," Watudoo said. "I realize that there have been lots of divorces and other marital problems in the real Welk Musical Family. But we're going to try to gloss over that and keep the movie happy through and through. After all, how can you think of divorces, addictions and other issues when you want the audience to join in the cast performing 'Roll out the Barrel' and even polka-dancing in the theaters?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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