Written by shufflewick71
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Topics: Cheryl Cole

Wednesday, 23 October 2013

image for Cheryl Cole exclusive! 'I'm goona be all bush soon!'
'The real thing's not a patch on me arse', said Cheryl.

Cheryl Cole, ex-X Factor tartlet and former member of pop warblers 'Girls Aloud,' has today announced that when it comes to body art, she has no attention of calling it quits.

Speaking yesterday at a fundraiser in London, in aid of a new set of teeth for Rylan Clark, the Geordie strumpet announced her plans to add to her existing tattoos, extending the large roses she has covering the entirety of her perfectly formed bottom. When asked about her plans following her most recent derriere inking, she said:

'Derriere? Ah yeah, reet! Think I went there on a school trip to France. Fookin' freezin it was but ah got some canny cheap baccy and booze for me Ma! Anyhoo, let me tell you about me tats. Me and me manager have had a little chat aboot it, and we reckon what a canny idea it is to boost me career if I make me bush bigger. After I've had me whole body done, it's me face next. Me whole head is goona be one giant rose bud...I'm goona be the world' first walking, talking rose bush. I'll make a fookin' mint. It'll make me divorce settlement look like fookin' small change!'

As far as how this shock decision will impact on her music career, Chezza raved:

' Oooh, it's goona be great man! We've got a canny idea for a fook load of cover songs. It'll be Bon Jovi's 'Bed of Roses' up first. Me manager said it's perfect. He said he knows how those rock groups love a bit of bush themselves, so gettin' the recording rights should be no problem.'

Asked how her plans may effect her contract with beauty giants 'L'oreal', Ms. Cole was less than concerned:

'Ah don't give a shite man! Me manager reckons I'm goona have 'Gardener's World' magazine beating me door down, wanting me as a centrefold, posed reet between their Knobweed and Stinking Willie.'

Her former band mate, Kimberley Walsh was said to be less than impressed with Ms Cole's floral etching plans, when asked for a response this morning:

' Bloody 'ell, why should I bloody care? She's already been around a 'knobweed' before and married and divorced him within 4 years, so it's nothing new, is it?'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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