Last night, Channel 4 screened a programme which it promised would revolutionise Britain's attitude towards defecation. Entitled "Shit Box", it featured a panel of faecal experts and a giant wooden box containing a toilet. Ordinary members of the public went into the box to poo before discussing it with the panel. Crucially, no cameras were present in the box itself.
The concept was taken from a similar Japanese show called "Happy Crappy Lavatory Interrogations". It had been advertised for weeks in advance with titillating teasers and the response has varied from outrage to apathy. But finally last night the programme could at last be seen by the British public.
Presenter Duncan Splashback opened the show with a lengthy speech. He explained that there was a whole generation of people in Britain who were not trained to use the toilet properly. He then recalled fond memories of his own first poo and said that it was time that there was a mature debate on manure. He insisted, "It really is vitally important to discuss this! I don't know why we're not talking about this more!"
The panel consisted of toilet dentist Alan Straining and gay man Gay Mann. Completing the line-up was Brunhilda Bristol, grand-daughter of Brigadier Bumber Bristol, inventor of the faecal consistency scale which bears his name.
Gay Mann talked about how important it was that gay people were going to be taking part in the programme. He said that he didn't think most heterosexual people understood how gay people used the lavatory.
The first participant on the programme was Neville Chamberpot, an accountant from Dorking. He spent several minutes excreting in the box, after which he was interviewed about the experience. "It was very nice," he said. "I pushed a bit and poo came out my bum."
A further six people went into the box one at a time after him without much incident, although the final competitor Colin Blockage complained that the box was starting to smell a bit.
The show was then summarised by Duncan Splashback, who said that it had been an "enlightening and pongy" evening for all concerned. He thanked the panel, and then revealed that George Michael had been hiding inside the box all along.
However, the twist at the end happened too late for most viewers, and early polls suggested that the overwhelming response from most people who saw it was "what a load of shit!"