Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Tuesday, 17 September 2013

image for Dancing With The Stars - Season Premier: The Highlights and The Lowlights
Ozzy Osbourne was in attendance cheering on his son Jack and sexy Australian dancers Peta Murgatroyd and Sharna Burgess.

HOLLYWOOD - Dancing With The Stars co-host Tom Bergeron kicked off season 17, by saying that the contract negotiations with Len "The Grouchy Grouch" Goodman had been worked out and the 97-year-old Brit will be back in his middle judges seat.

An inside source reported that Goodman had demanded that DWTS fly in fresh crumpets from London at least four times a week.

They finally compromised and agreed to not fire his old cantankerous bum as he calls the butt.

The surprise celebrity of the evening was Jack Osbourne, son of Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne who did so well that he had his mother in tears and his father yelling out, "Heeeeey, daaaaats me boooooy Jaaaaackie it tis."

Jack is paired with the Filipino Firecracker, Cheryl Burke. They ended up tied for fourth place out of 12 dance teams.

Amazingly enough the three judges each gave Glee's Amber Riley and her partner Derek "The Dancing Dude" Hough three 9's to land them in first place.

Riley is a big gal who can sure move everything that her mama gave her and then some. Afterwards, Derek could be seen whispering "Thanks for not stepping on me babe."

The man known as The Science Guy, Bill Nye, clearly showed that there was just no chemistry between him and his partner newcomer Tyne Stecklein.

Mr. Nye might be great with beakers, chemicals, and Bunsen burners but he looked as out of place on the dance floor as Kirstie Alley at an anorexic convention.

And blue collar comedian Bill Engvall did not do much better. Afterwards he said that next time he will be using regular dancing shoes instead of the steel toe work boots he had on.

Former star of King of Queens Leah Remini did not fair too good either. Her one saving grace is that she is paired with Tony Dovolani who is an excellent teacher.

Leah, who has quite a sailor's mouth on her, ended up getting bleeped a total of 9 times.

SIDENOTE: President and Mrs. Obama watched the show. The president said that he thinks that Billy Nye will be the first dancer to be sent home. His wife Michelle agrees with her presidential husband.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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